Shayla: My fiancée and I are separated by a great distance. Due to her educational and my business goals, we have put off our marriage for several years. We are both Christians and want to glorify God in our relationship. We are planning on getting married at the end of this year. However, due to the previously mentioned goals, it might still be a long distance relationship for four to five more years. What is your advice?

Responsa:

I’m glad to see that you are both Children of Light and that you value your Father’s will. I empathize with your struggles. At the beginning of our relationship, my wife and I were separated by many miles and relied almost totally on letter writing for the first year. Shortly after our marriage, I entered into the Marines and we were once again separated for long periods of time. It finally came to a head, and I had to decide between my bride (a relationship that I will carry into eternity) and the Corps (a temporary and completely worldly relationship at best). Obviously, there was no contest.

The Scriptures teach that marriage is about leaving some things and clinging to others. It says

• Ephesians 5:31 HCSB For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
• Matthew 19:4-6 HCSB "Haven't you read," He replied, "that He who created them in the beginning made them male and female, 5 and He also said: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, man must not separate."

I believe you need to determine in your heart if you are going to put your future wife first in your life (after God) or not. After all,

• Ephesians 5:25-30 HCSB Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 to make her holy, cleansing her in the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but holy and blameless. 28 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own flesh, but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of His body.

Your love for her should be sacrificial. Sacrificial love sets aside its own ambitions and goals and considers the needs of the object of its affection as having a greater importance.

• Philippians 2:3-4 HCSB Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. 4 Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

Though it can survive it, a good marriage is not built on long absences. We are specifically commanded to limit these absences so as not to give room to the Devil’s temptations.

• 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 HCSB A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 A wife does not have authority over her own body, but her husband does. Equally, a husband does not have authority over his own body, but his wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another--except when you agree, for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

The interesting thing about my giving up my career in the Corps in order to be able to be with my wife…what I considered at the time to be a sacrifice, turned out to be the very best thing I could have ever done. My career was pulling me away from God’s will and in so doing, was pulling me away from joy. Though we struggled for a while financially, God made sure that we made it through and by a series of steps, not only provided for us financially, but brought us both into very fulfilling ministries.

Listen to me – I’ve sat beside many dying people. I have never heard one say “I wish I could have had one more promotion.” Not once has anyone said “I wish I could have made more money” or “I wish I could have had a bigger house.” When people are dying they always want to know the following:

1. Did my life have meaning?
2. Am I right with my loved ones?
3. Am I right with God?

Live in such a way that at the hour of death you may rejoice and not fear. Be always in a state of readiness, and so lead your life that death may never take you unprepared.

May God the Eternal Father keep you in love with each other, so that the peace of Christ may stay with you and be always in your home.