Raising Teens
You and Your Teen: Discipline That Works
A
world without limits or rules would be a nightmare for every person living in
it. Just imagine the complete chaos that would happen if everyone “did his own
thing” NO MATTER WHAT!
Teenagers
may think they don’t want or need discipline but the truth is without limits a
person is insecure, may feel unloved, and will have a very hard time becoming a
responsible, happy member of society.
For
most parents, setting and reinforcing family rules that don’t cramp the teen’s
style or take away his or her independence is difficult. Many parents recognize
the need to change the methods their own parents used to discipline but aren’t
sure what will work in today’s fast-paced world. Parents sometimes struggle from
one problem to the next hoping that somehow the teen will change his behavior.
This is unlikely! Instead, parents can become involved by giving guidance
through discipline. Remember that discipline is a tool used to teach, never to
punish.
As
parents, we don’t have to solve or act upon all our teen’s problems. We must be
careful to recognize that some problems belong to the teen alone and should be
solved by the teen, with out strong encouragement and support, but not
interference. On the other hand, problems affecting us have to be solved using
good discipline methods.
Is
it sometimes hard to tell which problems are ours and which are theirs…? You
bet! It might help to look at each problem and consider 1. Who is complaining
or concerned about the problem? 2. Who is affected by the problem? 3. Who is
prevented from doing what he/she wants because of the problem? If the answer to
each question is…your teen, help him or her become a good problem solver. On
the other hand if the answer is…yourself, it is your problem to solve.
If
the problem belongs to you, wouldn’t it be wonderful if hassles could be
avoided? They can. Suppose, for example, your daughter decides to get her
driver’s license. Think about what problems could happen…ahead of time. Sit
down with your teen and set clear limits that avoid unpleasant surprises and
resentment later on. Discuss what’s expected and what will happen if she
violates the limits. Don’t be a dictator! Listen to your teen’s point of view
and negotiate rules you can both live with. Whose fault is it if your teen
messes up and breaks rules she doesn’t understand or know existed!
Unfortunately,
some problems can’t be predicted ahead of time and must be managed as they
happen. If your teen’s behavior must change, try a polite request first. She will be more likely to listen if you talk respectfully to her as you would
to a friend. Shout and demand and you’ve turned off the teen and lost your
cool.
If
polite requests don’t work, then try “I”
messages. “I messages” are friendly but firm statements that are very
clear. Describe the behavior and how it makes you feel and why; ask for a
change. Frustrated complaints like “look at this mess” may be ignored. Try instead: ”When you leave the bathroom in a mess, I feel taken advantage of. It means I have to spend time cleaning
up. I want you to clean the tub and put the towels in the hamper.” If you
then say…”Will you do that? And “When” – your message becomes stronger. Never
leave “I” messages unchecked. If they work, thank your teen.
If
“I” messages don’t work and your back is against the wall, then read on. If
these techniques haven’t worked; what do you do next? Do you give up, get angry
or do you keep calm and take the next step?
Natural Consequences
Reinforce
that all behavior results in consequences. There are two types of consequences:
natural and logical. As parents, we’re always hearing about letting our
children learn from their mistakes. Natural consequences give us that chance
because they follow naturally after the teen’s action or lack of action (with
no interference from the parent.) For instance, a young person who oversleeps
will be late from school or work. Let him be late, but give him encouragement
and support to solve his problem so it won’t happen again. Hopefully, he has learned
a valuable lesson. As parents we must always be very careful not to use natural
consequences if the result will harm the teen or someone else.
Logical Consequences
If
the teen’s behavior still isn’t changing, it is time to try logical
consequences. Remember that logical consequences should be logically connected
to the behavior. If your teen is always late for supper and he has to make his
own supper and clean up the kitchen, he is less likely to be late again.
Remember, discipline is teaching. It is not punishment; never give the logical
consequences in anger. Anger breeds anger, and before you know it you’ll be in
the middle of a “battle royal.” Calm down and give the teen a choice: “Either
put your clothes in the hamper or wash them yourself. You decide.” Or…”When you
have finished your homework, then you may go out.” When developing logical
consequences, remember to keep the following in mind:
1. Be careful to set consequences
that are reasonable and you can live with.
2. Be firm but calm.
3. Ask your teen for input regarding
the consequences.
4. Give the choice once and then
follow up.
5. Expect challenges. Your teen is
testing to see if you really mean it.
6. Allow the young person to try
again after experiencing the consequences.
If
misbehavior continues the consequences may need to be revised. Be patient.
You’ll be more successful if you include the teen in discussing the
expectations and the consequences. Parents who listen respectfully and who
negotiate curfews and other issues have fewer problems. Parents who rule with
an iron fist or are pushovers usually have major problems.
If
your teenager does not respond to any of your efforts and appears to be “out of
control” you may need to seek professional help. Help is available through your
family doctor, the guidance department of your school, your pastor, and local
mental health counseling services.
Tips on Teens
1.
LET TEENS KNOW YOU ARE WILLING TO JUST
PLAIN LISTEN to their ideas without making judgments. Talking is a way they
think things out.
2.
BE ACCESSIBLE. Teens often blurt
things out or want to talk at strange or inconvenient times. Be ready to listen
anytime, anywhere.
3.
USE QUESTIONS SPARINGLY. Resist the
urge to know EVERYTHING your teen is thinking or planning. Show some trust; you
would expect the same.
4.
TRY NOT TO BE DEFENSIVE. When they
make generalizations or critical remarks, don’t take them personally. They are
opportunities for discussion.
5.
GIVE STRAIGHT FORWARD ADVICE OR FEEDBACK
ON IMPORTANT ISSUES such as sex, drinking and drugs, but don’t keep
repeating it. They need to hear you and they do hear you, even if they pretend
indifference. Give clear messages about household rules and limitations. Let
them know what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t.
6.
TALK ABOUT YOURSELF SOMETIMES INSTEAD OF
THE TEEN. They hate to be the only topic under discussion. Tell them about
your own teen memories and mistakes.
7.
SET UP AND USE FAMILY MEETINGS TO FULL
ADVANTAGE. Get input from each person on rules, curfews, etc. as well as on
the consequences of breaking rules. Sign agreements, try them out; modify as
needed.
8.
SHOW INTIMACY. Teens are still kids
inside; they need the warm feelings of belonging that come from good touches
and hugs.
9.
GIVE LOTS OF PRAISE AND POSITIVE FEEDBACK.
Teens need to hear the “good stuff” just like the rest of us. They need to know
you love them for who they are inside, as well as what they can do. Accent the
positive. “Do’s” make a stronger impression than “Don’ts”.
10.
GIVE THEM RESPONSIBILITIES WITH EVERY
PRIVILEGE; that’s real life. Give your teen increasing responsibilities for
his choices and actions.
11.
TEACH THEM TO MAKE DECISIONS and
make them accept the consequences of each choice they make. Don’t dilute the
effectiveness of rules by having too many, or erode your teen’s sense of
self-confidence by denying him the right to make some of his own decisions.
12.
TEACH THEM TO DEAL WITH INFORMATION.
Teach them to think critically about what they see or hear, as well as how to
sort out and prioritize information.
13.
TAKE TIME TO RELAX AND HAVE FUN.
Teens need to learn positive ways to manage stress; enjoying each other will
build lifetime relationships.
14.
MAKE THEM EARN WHAT THEY WANT, and
know the difference between wants and needs. Instant gratification does not
teach life skills.
15.
BE CONSISTENT AND UNITED. Agree as
parents on the rules and stick together.
16.
TAKE THE ANGER OUT OF DISCIPLINE.
Punishment is a way of releasing anger. Disciplining means teaching your teen
the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Realize that
discipline is a life-long gift of love. It will help your teen to achieve, to
get along with others and to grow in his capacity to have mature and intimate
relationships.
17.
CRITICIZE THE BEHAVIOR, NOT THE CHILD.
18.
BALANCE, CONSISTENCY, AND LOVE are
the overriding principles.
Setting Limits for Your Teen
Most
teens claim not to want limits, but, deep down, they really do. Parents need to
decide and agree upon the limits that are absolute – what they expect their
teenager to do or not to do – and make these very clear to the teen, with an
understanding of what the consequences will be if these limits are not
respected. At the same time, teenagers need an increasing amount of autonomy
and decision-making power.
Decide
which issues are negotiable – and sit down and work out some compromises with
your teen. For example, you may decide that she can choose her own hairstyle or
clothes (and you won’t nag her about these choices), but, at the same time, you
absolutely require that she attend school, do her homework and be home by
Regarding
friends you don’t approve of: let your teen know that you have some
reservations about some friends and tell them why, then invite them to tell you
how they feel about these friends. Listen without interrupting or arguing.
In
the absence of peer pressure to engage in dangerous or particularly undesirable
behavior, it may be best to say little beyond this, to encourage more positive
friendships and to let the questionable friendships unravel in their own time,
as they probably will. On the other hand, if you show continual, obvious
distaste for a friend, the teen may cling even more tightly to that friendship.
If
you know, however, that a friend is pressuring your teen to drink, take drugs,
steal, cut school or to engage in other serious risk-taking behavior, it’s time
to voice more than simple disapproval. You need to step in and limit, even
forbid, the friendship. However, this should be only your last-ditch approach.
Save this only for situations where you feel your teen is in definite danger.
Don’t dilute this friend veto power with overuse.
Remember
that teens have mixed feelings about limits that mirror their developmental
position between childhood and adulthood. While they may balk at limits, argue
with you and claim to have the maturity to make all their own choices, they
feel quietly reassured when parents step in and let them know what they expect
of them. Deep down, most teenagers see limits as reassuring, as a sign of
ongoing parental protection, and as proof that their parents really care.