Dealing with a lying child

Unfortunately, lying does not have to be taught. It is part of our innate sin nature. If left unchecked the liar will progressively get better and better at it and it will get harder to correct.

We are all equipped with a built in lie-detector. We can look at a fidgeting, squirming child who cannot make eye contact and immediately know we are being lied to. It is generally when our greed (with con artists) or our love (with our families) gets in the way that we ignore those signals and get fooled.

An accomplished liar has no difficulty avoiding twitching, shuffling or sweating. He can look you straight in the eye while lying through his teeth. But while all of us tend to touch some part of our head or face while talking, there is a marked increase in mouth, nose, cheek ear and hair touching on the part of someone who is not telling the truth – even the chronic liar.

You can also tell, in the case of a high stress situation, that a liar’s blink rate will increase. You may not know HOW he’s lying or what he’s lying ABOUT, but you can tell he’s lying.

You need to have some experience with the person when they are not lying to you so that you can establish some type of base line comparison, so some undistinguished, inane conversation can help you get that before you delve into the deep stuff with an unknown person.

And you need to keep in mind that some of the same body language is used when people are simply stressed. They may not be lying. They may simply be worries about being perceived as lying!

Yet when the truth is at stake and the person before you starts touching lips, eyebrows, pulling at ear lobes and stroking their nose - beware.

Liars will attempt to cover their lies with lots of detail and hyper spiritual or loving language.

• Proverbs 26:23 Smooth words may hide a wicked heart, just as a pretty glaze covers a common clay pot.

A lying child is an embarrassment. They need to know that their actions have social consequences.

• Proverbs 13:5 Those who are godly hate lies; the wicked come to shame and disgrace.
• Proverbs 10:31 The godly person gives wise advice, but the tongue that deceives will be cut off.

Note: The Teacher is not advocating the literal amputation of a liar’s tongue. He is saying that they will no longer be listened to. They will not be considered valid witnesses or sources of advice.

• Proverbs 22:5 The deceitful walk a thorny, treacherous road; whoever values life will stay away.
• Proverbs 29:27 The godly despise the wicked; the wicked despise the godly.

A liar damages those he lies to. A lie does violence to its victims. A liar cannot say that he or loves the person he lies to. If he lies about one thing, how are they to believe him when he says that he loves you?

• Proverbs 15:4 Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
• Proverbs 16:29 Violent people deceive their companions, leading them down a harmful path. 
• Proverbs 26:28 A lying tongue hates its victims, and flattery causes ruin.
• Proverbs 25:18 Telling lies about others is as harmful as hitting them with an ax, wounding them with a sword, or shooting them with a sharp arrow.
• Proverbs 14:25 truthful witness saves lives, but a false witness is a traitor.

You’re allowed to be angry – even infuriated – at sin. And your anger should motivate you to action. Just make sure that you don’t cross the line into sin.

• Ephesians 4:26 BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger
• John 2:13-17 The Passover of the Jews was near, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. 14 And He found in the temple those who were selling oxen and sheep and doves, and the money changers seated at their tables. 15 And He made a scourge of cords, and drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and the oxen; and He poured out the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables; 16 and to those who were selling the doves He said, "Take these things away; stop making My Father's house a place of business." 17 His disciples remembered that it was written, " ZEAL FOR YOUR HOUSE WILL CONSUME ME."

The liar needs to understand that lying is always at heart an issue of trust. It is an issue of loyalty. You don’t lie to those you love. You don’t lie to those to whom you are loyal. And trust is vital in many different areas.

• Proverbs 19:22 Loyalty makes a person attractive. And it is better to be poor than dishonest.

A liar’s reputation will be tarnished. He will be known as worthless, wicked, treacherous, traitor.

• Proverbs 6:12 Here is a description of worthless and wicked people: They are constant liars,
• Proverbs 11:3 Good people are guided by their honesty; treacherous people are destroyed by their dishonesty.
• Proverbs 14:25 truthful witness saves lives, but a false witness is a traitor.

The fact that the liar is a child is irrelevant. The social consequences remain.

• Proverbs 20:11 Even children are known by the way they act, whether their conduct is pure and right.

A liar will lose employment and leadership opportunities. King Solomon reflected the employment practices of his father King David.

• Proverbs 17:7 Eloquent speech is not fitting for a fool; even less are lies fitting for a ruler.

· Psalm 101:3-8 I will set before my eyes no vile thing. The deeds of faithless men I hate; they will not cling to me. 4 Men of perverse heart shall be far from me; I will have nothing to do with evil. 5 Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret, him will I put to silence; whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, him will I not endure. 6 My eyes will be on the faithful in the land, that they may dwell with me; he whose walk is blameless will minister to me. 7 No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence. 8 Every morning I will put to silence all the wicked in the land; I will cut off every evildoer from the city of the LORD.

• Proverbs 17:20 The crooked heart will not prosper; the twisted tongue tumbles into trouble.
• Proverbs16:13 The king is pleased with righteous lips; he loves those who speak honestly. 
• Proverbs 28:16 Only a stupid prince will oppress his people, but a king will have a long reign if he hates dishonesty and bribes.
• Proverbs 29:10 The bloodthirsty hate the honest, but the upright seek out the honest.

The Lord God Himself despises liars and has consistently included lying on His lists of abominations.

• Proverbs 6:16-19 There are six things the Lord hates—no, seven things he detests: ¹⁷ haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that kill the innocent, ¹⁸ a heart that plots evil, feet that race to do wrong, ¹⁹ a false witness who pours out lies, a person who sows discord among brothers.
• Proverbs 12:22 The Lord hates those who don’t keep their word, but he delights in those who do.
• Proverbs 22:12 The Lord preserves knowledge, but he ruins the plans of the deceitful.

Lying is a stupid way to try to deal with a painful or embarrassing issue. Sooner or later it will be found out and the situation will only be made worse for the lie.

• Proverbs 12:19 Truth stands the test of time; lies are soon exposed.

Any benefit that may come from lying is ephemeral at best.

• Proverbs 21:6 Wealth created by lying is a vanishing mist and a deadly trap.
• Proverbs 15:27 Dishonest money brings grief to the whole family, but those who hate bribes will live.
• Proverbs 20:17 Stolen bread tastes sweet, but it turns to gravel in the mouth.
• Proverbs 28:10 Those who lead the upright into sin will fall into their own trap, but the honest will inherit good things.

Lying makes you stupid. It makes you vulnerable to lies and slander. You tend to fall for the sin you are most chronically guilty of. Truth cannot reside in an untruthful vessel. And an untruthful person makes himself incapable of discerning truth. In biblical terms he “darkens his mind” (Romans 1)

• Proverbs 17:4 Wrongdoers listen to wicked talk; liars pay attention to destructive words.
• Proverbs 19:1 It is better to be poor and honest than to be a fool and dishonest.

A liar will never know true happiness.

• Proverbs 29:18 When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. But whoever obeys the law is happy.

A person who refuses to quit their sin and continues stubbornly past all the roadblocks a loving God and his loved ones place before him is in grave danger!

• Proverbs 29:1 Whoever stubbornly refuses to accept criticism will suddenly be broken beyond repair.

· Acts 5:3-5 Then Peter said, "Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? 4Didn't it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn't the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied to men but to God." 5 When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died. And great fear seized all who heard what had happened.

• Proverbs 11:5 The godly are directed by their honesty; the wicked fall beneath their load of sin.
• Proverbs 1:20-33 Wisdom shouts in the streets. She cries out in the public square. ²¹She calls out to the crowds along the main street, and to those in front of city hall. ²²“You simpletons!” she cries. “How long will you go on being simpleminded? How long will you mockers relish your mocking? How long will you fools fight the facts? ²³Come here and listen to me! I’ll pour out the spirit of wisdom upon you and make you wise. ²⁴“I called you so often, but you didn’t come. I reached out to you, but you paid no attention. ²⁵You ignored my advice and rejected the correction I offered. ²⁶So I will laugh when you are in trouble! I will mock you when disaster overtakes you—²⁷when calamity overcomes you like a storm, when you are engulfed by trouble, and when anguish and distress overwhelm you. ²⁸“I will not answer when they cry for help. Even though they anxiously search for me, they will not find me. ²⁹For they hated knowledge and chose not to fear the Lord. ³⁰They rejected my advice and paid no attention when I corrected them. ³¹That is why they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way. They must experience the full terror of the path they have chosen. ³²For they are simpletons who turn away from me—to death. They are fools, and their own complacency will destroy them.
• Proverbs 5:11-13 Afterward you will groan in anguish when disease consumes your body, ¹²and you will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not demanded my own way! ¹³Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to those who gave me instruction?
• Proverbs 8:32 “And so, my children, listen to me, for happy are all who follow my ways. ³³Listen to my counsel and be wise. Don’t ignore it. ³⁴“Happy are those who listen to me, watching for me daily at my gates, waiting for me outside my home! ³⁵For whoever finds me finds life and wins approval from the Lord. ³⁶But those who miss me have injured themselves. All who hate me love death.”
• Proverbs 10:8 The wise are glad to be instructed, but babbling fools fall flat on their faces.
• Proverbs 12:15 Fools think they need no advice, but the wise listen to others.
• Proverbs 13:13 People who despise advice will find themselves in trouble; those who respect it will succeed.
• Proverbs 13:14 The advice of the wise is like a life-giving fountain; those who accept it avoid the snares of death.
• Proverbs 13:18 If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept criticism, you will be honored.
• Proverbs 14:9 Fools make fun of guilt, but the godly acknowledge it and seek reconciliation.
• Proverbs 15:5 Only a fool despises a parent’s discipline; whoever learns from correction is wise.
• Proverbs 15:14 A wise person is hungry for truth, while the fool feeds on trash.
• Proverbs 15:31 If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise.
• Proverbs 15:32 If you reject criticism, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.
• Proverbs 16:20 Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the LORD will be happy. 
• Proverbs 16:22 Discretion is a life-giving fountain to those who possess it, but discipline is wasted on fools. 
• Proverbs 29:23 Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.

Just because it is your child that is lying does not mean that the standards should be dropped. If anything you should have higher standards for your own family than for other families. That’s the way it is with God’s family.

• 1 Peter 4:17 For it is time for judgment to begin with the household of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God?

There needs to be a zero tolerance for lying in our children. It needs to be consistently punished every time. In our house if a person lies about a sin he committed, the consequence is automatically tripled.

• Proverbs 19:5 A false witness will not go unpunished, nor will a liar escape.
• Proverbs 19:9 A false witness will not go unpunished, and a liar will be destroyed.

There is a place for instruction.

• Proverbs 1:8-9 Listen, my child, to what your father teaches you. Don’t neglect your mother’s teaching. ⁹What you learn from them will crown you with grace and clothe you with honor.
• Proverbs 3:1-2 My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart, ²for they will give you a long and satisfying life.
• Proverbs 4:1-5 My children, listen to me. Listen to your father’s instruction. Pay attention and grow wise, ²for I am giving you good guidance. Don’t turn away from my teaching. ³For I, too, was once my father’s son, tenderly loved by my mother as an only child. ⁴My father told me, “Take my words to heart. Follow my instructions and you will live. ⁵Learn to be wise, and develop good judgment. Don’t forget or turn away from my words.
• Proverbs 4:13 Carry out my instructions; don’t forsake them. Guard them, for they will lead you to a fulfilled life.
• Proverbs 6:20-23 My son, obey your father’s commands, and don’t neglect your mother’s teaching. ²¹Keep their words always in your heart. Tie them around your neck. ²²Wherever you walk, their counsel can lead you. When you sleep, they will protect you. When you wake up in the morning, they will advise you. ²³For these commands and this teaching are a lamp to light the way ahead of you. The correction of discipline is the way to life.

But sometimes we talk too much. We are expecting too much of children whose brains are not yet fully developed.

• Proverbs 13:24 If you refuse to discipline your children, it proves you don’t love them; if you love your children, you will be prompt to discipline them.
• Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your children while there is hope. If you don’t, you will ruin their lives.
• Proverbs 20:30 Physical punishment cleanses away evil; such discipline purifies the heart.
• Proverbs 23:13-14 Don’t fail to correct your children. They won’t die if you spank them. ¹⁴Physical discipline may well save them from death.
• Proverbs 29:15 To discipline and reprimand a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child.
• Proverbs 23:9 Don’t waste your breath on fools, for they will despise the wisest advice.

Note: Sometimes you come to the realization that you are simply wasting your breath. From that point on you need to find other ways than talking.

• Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your children, and they will give you happiness and peace of mind.

Note: I have watched parents who have carefully enunciated their frustrations to their child, totally failing to realize that the child lacks the mental wherewithal to even understand the vocabulary – discounting the concepts. Just as with a small child who is incapable of understanding the concept of electricity, but is capable of remembering that when she puts her finger near that hole in the wall, there is a loud unfriendly sound and her hand gets a stinging slap, we need to realize that there is nothing inherently evil about applying physical pain to further enhance our children’s training. It should not be the only tool in our tool box, but it should not be cast aside, either.

There should be a graduated process that slowly but steadily increases the pressure to conform to good behavior. A wise child should only need a rebuke. But a foolish child may actually need to go all the way to corporal punishment before they finally yield to the Way.

• Proverbs 17:10 A single rebuke does more for a person of understanding than a hundred lashes on the back of a fool.
• Proverbs 17:16 It is senseless to pay tuition to educate a fool who has no heart for wisdom.

Note: A person who lies must understand that they will not be able to make use of the resources of the righteous. They cannot lie to you and then expect you to support them. For a child that might mean losing out on clothes, toys or desserts. For an older child perhaps the loss of educational support.

• Proverbs 27:22 You cannot separate fools from their foolishness, even though you grind them like grain with mortar and pestle.

Note: Once a person is recognized as a fool much harsher methods must be used than would normally be considered.

The only way out of lying is honesty. It is the antidote, the cure. The liar must come completely clean and face his sin squarely. In our house if a person comes clean and confesses readily, the consequences are substantially reduced.

• Proverbs 28:18 The honest will be rescued from harm, but those who are crooked will be destroyed.

There is a very real and tangible blessing for having a tender conscience. Honesty and integrity should always be rewarded as much as dishonesty is punished. In our home not only are the consequences of sin less if the person is honest about them, but regular everyday integrity eventually results in an increase in privileges.

• Proverbs 28:14 Blessed are those who have a tender conscience, but the stubborn are headed for serious trouble.

Last words:

1. When he lies to you may blow up. That’s ok, but don’t lose control. Let it drive you toward action. Make sure that you direct your reaction toward the act of lying and the damage it can do TO its perpetrator and not towards the perpetrator himself.
2. Discuss it openly and let the liar know what his lies do to his relationships with people.
3. Explain how you feel. Get the liar to understand how others feel when they are lied to. Perhaps make him experience the consequences. Once, we did not feed a lying child while insisting that we had. Suddenly he did not think it was such a light matter!
4. All discussion. Don’t make it impossible for the liar to tell you the truth.
5. Point up the final consequences of lies. It is ultimately the truth that will set them free.
6. Don’t let it slide. Deal with it immediately, regardless of the cost. Don’t let them get away with just a glib “sorry”. There must be real consequences every time. And the consequences must mount every time so start low so you have plenty of room to increase later.
7. Since the issue is at heart one of trust, perhaps you could consider removing privileges that involve you trusting him. Perhaps he may not leave the yard because you can’t trust him to do the right thing. Perhaps he may not have access to the computer for the same reason.
8. How are you modeling honesty to this person? Are you cheating on your taxes, lying to get out of a ticket? Being selective in you honesty to family?

All families struggle with lying children sometimes. Some admit it and others don’t. But the Pauleys are no exception. The following is an excerpt from our family’s “Book of the Law”. Perhaps it will help you in determining some alternative ways of dealing with your lying child.

Discipline: We will always receive Instruction first, telling us what we have done wrong, why it is wrong and what the correction will be. Then we will receive a rebuke or warning, reminding us. But every time we do the wrong thing after that, we will receive the consequence.

Five alternative consequences (methods of discipline)

1. Detention – basically time out
2. Suspension - temporary suspension of rights or privileges (temporary loss of toys, temporary loss of privileges, or temporary loss of allowance).
3. Saturday School – while others are playing, you stay in doors doing lessons
4. Restitution – through labor or payment out of allowance
5. Expulsion – permanent loss of privileges like sports, lessons etc

Timeout: We have found that being placed in timeout is an old but effective method of discipline. We find one spot in our home that will be free from any type of entertainment. Sitting and watching television or having some other form of entertainment is not discipline. We follow the rule of thumb of staying in timeout a minute for every year of age. A wind up timer is good for this. That way if Mom and Dad become distracted and forget, the child will not be sitting in timeout for longer than they are supposed to. Giving a couple of warnings for bad behavior is fine, but never acting on the threat of a timeout shows others we will not act on bad behavior. Consistency is the key to effective discipline.

Family Outings and Good Behavior: Mom and Dad will come up with a special family outing each week. Every day that our behavior is good we will get a star. If over the course of a week we get 5 stars, we will get to go on the family outing. If we are short a star we may ask to do extra work to earn a star. Work for stars is usually hard, sometimes dirty, but rarely goes over one hour in duration.

Privileges:

o We have snacks each night before we go to bed.

o We get to get up on our own and watch TV quietly in the mornings.

o We get to ride our bikes around a four block area with the house as the center.

o We get a weekly allowance. Preschool and Kindergarten kids get three dollars a week. Grades 1-5 get $5. Grades 6-8 get $8. High school kids get $10.

o We get to sleep over at other’s house if Mom or Dad meet the parents first.

o We get to have friends over if we have permission first.

o We get to go to the community pool during the summer and the YMCA year-round.

o We get to play Nintendo, Play Station, Play Station 2 and Sega.

o We get to play on the computer.

o We each get to have one special interest. That means dance lessons, sports etc.