Maintaining Individuality in Marriage

Sometimes we feel as though in order to be a good spouse we almost have to lose our own identity – particularly if you’re a woman. You lose your name, much of the credit is in the man’s name if you’re a stay-at-home mom, and it’s like your whole purpose in life becomes serving someone else’s needs. Men are caught in the double bind of having to be tough and strong on the job, yet tender and sweet at home.

There is a very real danger in isolating yourself from your friends. Relating with one’s own sex is just as important as relating with the opposite sex. But sometimes in marriage your old friends are pushed into the background, and these are friends who may be needed later. As wonderful as your spouse may be, no single human can fulfill all needs. Also, there is the danger of forgetting other important relationships in your life like siblings and parents.

But how does it happen?

This feeling of isolation may kind of creep up on you and it just suddenly overwhelms you one day. Some people are perfectly happy submersing their identity in someone else’s. Some parents are happy living only for their children. But what happens when they grow up? Then what? It’s not healthy to become a mindless clone.

The Bible does teach that we should not be caught up in our own needs and that we should be willing to put others before us…

· Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

· Ephesians 5:21 submitting to one another in the fear of the Lord.

· Romans 15:1-2 Now we who are strong have an obligation to bear the weaknesses of those without strength, and not to please ourselves. Each one of us must please his neighbor for his good, in order to build him up. For even the Messiah did not please Himself…

But it does not teach that you must do it to the point where it is causing injury.

· 2 Corinthians 8:12-14 For if the eagerness is there, it is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have.
It is not that there may be relief for others and hardship for you, but it is a question of equality—
at the present time your surplus is [available] for their need, so that their abundance may also become [available] for your need, that there may be equality.

· 2 Corinthians 9:7-8 Each person should do as he has decided in his heart—not out of regret or out of necessity, for God loves a cheerful giver.
And God is able to make every grace overflow to you, so that in every way, always having everything you need, you may excel in every good work.

Continually putting others before your needs to the point of self-injury demonstrates an underlying lack of self-appreciation and a lack of faith in God’s gifts.

Each of us is somebody special with a tremendous value in the eyes of God.

· 1 Corinthians 6:20 For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.

· 1 Peter 1:18-19 Knowing that you were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold from your futile way of life inherited from your forefathers, but with precious blood, as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ.

The One who bought us with a price knows our true worth. The price He paid for us is Jesus. If we were to place price tags on ourselves, each one would read “Jesus”; we are “worth Jesus” to God because that is what He paid for us through Jesus’ death on the cross to pay for our sins. That is God’s statement of our value.

Each of us has a unique purpose in life. Each of us has been set apart by God for special use.

· Ephesians 1:18 I pray that the eyes of you heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.

It’s important to acknowledge that we have this intrinsic worth because of what God has done and who He made us to be. It is not a worth acquired by us – something we did or did not do to deserve it.

· Ephesians 2:10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

Our worth is not derived from what we have made of ourselves, but from what God has done for us and in us. We are fallen sinners, yet we were still created in God’s image. We were, in fact, the crown of His creation – which gives all humankind intrinsic worth. “Workmanship” in Greek is poeima, His poem, his masterpiece, His work of art.

Is it really a problem?

It is perfectly normal for you and your spouse to become more and more alike. Some cross over in friendships and interests is very healthy. In fact it’s very likely that it was these intersections that brought you together in the first place.

But the problem lies in the degree that the blending is taking place. You should be able to maintain a certain sense of individuality. Abigail was able to distinguish the errors of her husband.

• 1 Samuel 25:23-35 (HCSB) When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off the donkey and fell with her face to the ground in front of David.
  She fell at his feet and said, “The guilt is mine, my lord, but please let your servant speak to you directly. Listen to the words of your servant.
  My lord should pay no attention to this worthless man Nabal, for he lives up to his name: His name is Nabal, and stupidity is all he knows. I, your servant, didn’t see my lord’s young men whom you sent.
  Now my lord, as surely as the Lord lives and as you yourself live, it is the Lord who kept you from participating in bloodshed and avenging yourself by your own hand. May your enemies and those who want trouble for my lord be like Nabal.
  Accept this gift your servant has brought to my lord, and let it be given to the young men who follow my lord.
  Please forgive your servant’s offense, for the Lord is certain to make a lasting dynasty for my lord because he fights the Lord’s battles. Throughout your life, may evil not be found in you.
  When someone pursues you and attempts to take your life, my lord’s life will be tucked safely in the place where the Lord your God protects the living. However, He will fling away your enemies’ lives like [stones]. from a sling.
  When the Lord does for my lord all the good He promised and appoints you ruler over Israel,
  there will not be remorse or a troubled conscience for my lord because of needless bloodshed or my lord’s revenge. And when the Lord does good things for my lord, may you remember [me]. your servant.”
  Then David said to Abigail, “Praise to the Lord God of Israel, who sent you to meet me today!
  Blessed is your discernment, and blessed are you. Today you kept me from participating in bloodshed and avenging myself by my own hand.
  Otherwise, as surely as the Lord God of Israel lives, who prevented me from harming you, if you had not come quickly to meet me, Nabal wouldn’t have had any men left by morning light.”
  Then David accepted what she had brought him and said, “Go home in peace. See, I have heard what you said and have granted your request.”

Moses’ wife Zipporah was also very capable of speaking her mind when Abraham’s failure to obey God was threatening her family.

• Exodus 4:24-26 On the trip, at an overnight campsite, it happened that the Lord confronted him and sought to put him to death.
  So Zipporah took a flint, cut off her son’s foreskin, and threw it at Moses’ feet. Then she said, “You are a bridegroom of blood to me!”
  So He let him alone. At that time she said, “You are a bridegroom of blood,” referring to the circumcision.

Some similarities between you and your mates are natural, and quite possibly what brought you together in the first place. Where the problem develops is when you realise all that you are has been blended and blurred into the relationship. Giving up your individuality will eventually come back to haunt you; you will end up feeling anger, resentment, and/or regret. You may even take it out on your spouse.

If your spouse is the clone

Your spouse’s irritating need to serve you to the point of obsequiousness is actually a form of flattery, and while you may not appreciate this, they are simply showing that they admire you and your style. It also suggests that your partner has low self-esteem, so perhaps the best way to remedy the situation is to help them feel better about themselves and take opportunities to choose their own interests.

How do I keep my individuality?

Assert yourself. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

• Zechariah 8:16 HCSB These are the things you must do: Speak truth to one another; render honest and peaceful judgments in your gates.
• Matthew 5:37 HCSB But let your word ‘yes’ be ‘yes,’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no.’ Anything more than this is from the evil one.
• Ephesians 4:15 But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into Him who is the head—Christ.
• Ephesians 4:25-27 HCSB Since you put away lying, Speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another.
  Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,
  and don’t give the Devil an opportunity.

Speak truthfully. Make sure that you are using good judgment and working toward a peaceful resolution. Do not say anything you don’t really mean. Do not accept blame for something you have not done. Speak lovingly, graciously, as you would like to be spoken to. Do not lie to your loved one. You two are one flesh. If anyone deserves honesty and openness it’s your spouse. You’re allowed to be frustrated and angry and even to verbalize it – just make sure you don’t fall into sin. Deal with the issue today. Don’t let it build up over time and explode out of control.

Maintain your own hobbies and interests. True love does not demand that you sacrifice your very identity. If your spouse truly loves you, they love you for your interests, hobbies and friends too. They probably would appreciate the variety in their life. Your differences make you you, and without keeping up your own life you won't have much to offer to your spouse. Write a list of all the things in life that you enjoy, no matter how trivial they might seem at first. Now plan to do at least one small thing every day, and have bigger things to look forward to as well.

Maintain other friendships/ make new friends. Spend time with a wider variety of people, this way you won't get stuck in a mental rut, and you will avoid “cloning” by being with different groups.

Set your own personal goals and set out to achieve them. Stay interested in life and the world around you, if you manage to step outside your little emotional bubble every so often, it will be easier to avoid getting clamped down and zapped of your spirit.

Compromise. Note the difference between remaining unique, and just being stubborn. Just because you want to maintain your individuality doesn't mean you have to do everything your way all the time, you need to be able to compromise with your mate, or you'll risk losing them.