Courtship
Texts:
Proverbs 3:1-8 1My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands
in your heart, 2for they will give you a long and satisfying life. 3Never
let loyalty and kindness get away from you! Wear them like a necklace; write
them deep within your heart. 4Then you will find favor with both God
and people, and you will gain a good reputation. 5Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend
on your own understanding. 6Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths. 7Don’t be
impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn your back on evil. 8Then you will
gain renewed health and vitality.
1 Corinthians 7:1-2, 8-9, 29-38 1Now about the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to
live a celibate life. 2But because there is so much sexual
immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her
own husband. 8Now I say to those who aren’t married and to
widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 9But if they
can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry
than to burn with lust.
29Now let me say this,
dear brothers and sisters: The time that remains is very short, so husbands
should not let marriage be their major concern. 30Happiness or
sadness or wealth should not keep anyone from doing God’s work. 31Those
in frequent contact with the things of the world should make good use of them
without becoming attached to them, for this world and all it contains will pass
away. 32In everything you do, I want you to be free from the
concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s
work and thinking how to please him. 33But a married man can’t do
that so well. He has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to
please his wife. 34His interests are divided. In the same way, a
woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be more devoted to
the Lord in body and in spirit, while the married woman must be concerned about
her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband.
35I am saying this for your benefit, not to
place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the
Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. 36But if a man
thinks he ought to marry his fiancée because he has trouble controlling his
passions and time is passing, it is all right; it is not a sin. Let them marry.
37But if he has decided firmly not to marry and there is no urgency
and he can control his passion, he does well not to marry. 38So the
person who marries does well, and the person who doesn’t marry does even
better.
Introduction:
The foundation upon which we will build involves us knowing three things about ourselves. They are:
1. Each of us is somebody special with a
tremendous value in the eyes of God.
·
1
Corinthians
· 1 Peter 1:18-19 Knowing that you were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold from your futile way of life inherited from your forefathers, but with precious blood, as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ.
The One who bought us with a price knows our true worth. The price He paid for us is Jesus. If we were to place price tags on ourselves, each one would read “Jesus”; we are “worth Jesus” to God because that is what He paid for us through Jesus’ death on the cross to pay for our sins. That is God’s statement of our value.
2. Each of us has a unique purpose in life,
each of us has been set apart by God for special use.
·
Ephesians
1:18 I pray that the eyes of you
heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His
calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.
It’s important to acknowledge that we have this intrinsic worth because of what God has done and who He made us to be. It is not a worth acquired by us – something we did or did not do to deserve it.
· Ephesians 2:10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.
Our worth is not derived from what we have made of ourselves, but from what God has done for us and in us. We are fallen sinners, yet we were still created in God’s image. We were, in fact, the crown of His creation – which gives all humankind intrinsic worth. “Workmanship” in Greek is poeima, His poem, his masterpiece, His work of art.
3. God has good in
mind for each of us.
· Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you”, says the Lord, “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. “
When God establishes rules or guidelines, He doesn’t do it to take away the pleasure in life. He wants you to be happy. He wants you to have a good, satisfying sex life. He wants you to have a memorable marriage. His commands are designed to give these things to us.
God told us to be holy even as He is holy. This requirement by God limits what we can and cannot do whether we are involved in relationships or not. Now when it comes to being involved with members of the opposite sex, one of the best pieces of advice comes from the great theological writings of the The Main Ingredients. It goes like this,
"Everybody plays the fool. There’s no exception to the rule, Listen baby If may be factual it may be cruel. I ain’t lying, everybody plays the fool. Falling in love is such an easy thing to do, but there’s no guarantee that the one you love, is going to love you. Heaven on earth is all you see, but that might not be reality, love runs deeper than any ocean it crowds your mind with emotions. How can you help it when the music starts to playing, and your ability to reason is swept away.”
Guard Your Heart
God knows that many of us will deceive ourselves when it comes to relationships. He also knows of our ability to play the fool. That’s why He wrote:
If you do not guard your heart, you will find yourselves falling in love with all kinds of people. Even those who you know are off limits to you. There was another singing group with the warning, "once you fall in love, it’s heavy falling out." Most of us here have shed some tears from some lost love, but once we saw what God had for us down the road, we shouted hallelujah.
Part One - Dating
Myth #1 – There is a perfect person out there waiting for me to find
him or her.
In dealing with our myths about dating, the first myth we must hit is "there is a perfect person out there waiting for me to find him or her." Most of us admit even a perfect person would get on our nerves at times. There is not a perfect person waiting to be found.
Now when we move from dating and are edging toward engagement, we want to know is this the right one for me. The Bible gives us clear direction on whether or not the Lord has chosen just one person for you. I know it does not sound super romantic, but the answer is no.
Must be “in the Lord”
· 1 Corinthians 7:39 " A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. "
The Bible tells us that there are some definitely wrong people for you to marry. Common sense should also tell you, there are some definite no- no’s out there. God says, a person is free to marry anyone he or she wants to, as long as the person is in the Lord. If you don’t like him, so what if somebody prophesies this is your husband. You still have the final say so. Just because someone is a Christian, does not mean they will make a good husband or wife for you. There may be some weaknesses or liabilities this person has that you do not want to have to deal with, and that’s perfectly okay with the Lord. Jesus came that you might have life, not struggle all your life trying to get along with somebody you did not want to be with in the first place.
Myth #2 -
You need to test drive someone before making a purchase.
The second myth we must deal with is, "you need to test drive someone before making a purchase." We are not used cars, but children of God, set apart by God. We are too expensive to be taken off the lot without first signing on the dotted line paid in full.
Myth #3 -
Having a great time on the date means it must be God’s will to
marry this person
The third myth is "since we had a great time on the date, it must be God’s will for me to marry this person." A date is simply a date. Neither person is obligated to go out again with the other. If you’re not interested in a person in the same way they are interested in you, then it is better to tell them sooner rather than later. It will hurt either way, but it will hurt a lot less earlier than later. It will also keep you from being tempted to use your advantage in the relationship. The person who is least interested in the relationship has the most power in the relationship. That person has the least to lose.
Myth #4 - “Missionary Dating” - It doesn’t
matter if the other person is a Christian or not, we can still have a great
relationship.
We need to look at the myth, "It does not matter if the other person is a Christian or not, we can still have a great relationship." God warns us against trying to put light and darkness together and thinking it will all be fine. When you discover the other person is not a Christian, you need to set some immediate standards and put a hedge about yourself. Otherwise, the person will draw you closer to the world, than you will draw them to the church.
When Katy met Walter, he was not in anybody’s church. Katy told him up front, if you want to date me, you’ve got to go to church. Walter was no fool, he started going to church. If the person you’re dating refuses to accept this, why continue to pursue the relationship?
Should a Christian youth date a non-Christian? Can a Christian teen use the dating experience as a means of witnessing for Christ? The Word of God answers such questions bluntly in
Paul’s warning does not apply only to dating’ it refers to any “yoking” of Christian and non-Christian. It applies to business entanglements, for example, as well as to romantic entanglements such as dating and marriage. There are many areas of common interest…hobbies, music, sports, politics, intellectual interests, are all elements that could comprise fellowship between Christians and non-Christians. However, can you think of one single eternal value or interest they have in common? No, you can’t. On the truly important areas such as God’s will, God’s ethics, God’s Kingdom, God’s family values, and God’s husband and wife relationships, you find you two are near-strangers. Yet, it’s in these areas that love and marriage exist. This is where real communication takes place.
This does not mean that a Christian cannot enjoy fellowship with non-Christians, have fun with non-Christians, share a milkshake with non-Christians, or toss a football with non-Christians. However, the Christian young person who becomes involved romantically with a non-Christian is crossing a line of protection and provision that God’s Word has drawn.
When To Start Dating
Few issues cause as much conflict in the home as the question of “How old is old enough to start dating?” Some parents think their children should be a certain age before dating. Some kids think they were born ready to date; others feel they crossed the “date line” when they became teenagers.
However, chronological age is seldom a reliable indicator of a young person’s readiness to date. The crucial factor is whether he or she is spiritually and emotionally mature enough to handle the many decisions and dangers of dating. Some people may be mature enough at fifteen or sixteen; others should probably wait longer.
Seven
key indicators of a teen’s readiness for dating are:
“No” answers to the above questions should alert a young person to areas in which more spiritual and emotional maturity should be allowed to develop before dating.
The Age Factor
While a difference of five years in age may make little difference to a twenty-five-year-old dating a thirty year old, for example, it can cause severe problems for a fourteen-year-old dating a nineteen-year-old. The reason for this is that the teen years are a time of major physical, emotional, and spiritual changes; some changes may happen so fast that a teen is ill-prepared to handle them. Of course, once again the central issue is not chronological age as much as spiritual and emotional maturity. Nonetheless, age differences of more than a year or two should be avoided through late adolescence.
Interracial Dating
Though most texts on dating avoid the issue, interracial dating is an issue many young people face. And while many areas of society (and the church) still frown on interracial dating and interracial marriage, the biblical response is clear:
Young Christian men and women should be aware of the possible social implications of an interracial relationship, but color is not a barrier to God-honoring relationships.
Dangers in Dating
Teens who are preparing to date must not only confront the many decisions to be made in the dating experience, they must also be aware of the dangers. Some of these are:
Purpose in Dating
Socialization - One purpose for dating is socialization – having fun with other people, getting to know them, enjoying other people’s company, learning how to share common interests, and developing conversational and relationship skills. Dating is a means of learning more about oneself and a way to become skilled at sensing the needs and feelings of another person and how to turn that insight into responsive action.
Mate Selection - Another key purpose for dating is mate selection. Obviously, the person you marry will be someone you’ve dated. The typical progression is from:
1. casual group dates
2. to casual individual dates
3. to friendship dates
4. to steady dating
5. to engagement
6. to marriage.
Dating serves to cultivate and sharpen one’s tastes and improve the ability to recognize the character and personality that best meshes with one’s own.
A clear understanding of one’s purpose in dating is crucial. It should be obvious, of course, that sexual exploration and experimentation are NOT healthy purposes for dating; however, socialization – and even mate selection – are sound purposes for dating.
Plans
The final step in framing a sound, helpful design for Christian dating is planning. An attractive option is group dating. Group dating involves guys and gals getting together to do different activities without pairing up. The group decides where to go and what to do, and everyone goes along. Everyone pays their own way. Many teens like group dating because it removes the sexual pressure of dating just one person.
Another consideration is to plan for a climate in which two people can become friends. Going to a movie on a first date is counterproductive; it offers entertainment but not interaction. A better choice would be to play miniature golf or Frisbee golf, walk around a zoo, or window shop in a quaint section of town. Such activities provide plenty to talk about and allow the participants to discover each others’ likes, dislikes, and previous life experiences. Other good dating activities to plan might include:
One more key to planning the dating experience is to map out possible responses to situations that may arise, such as:
Some parents help teens in this area of planning by agreeing that if the teen calls home at any time and says simply, “I need to be picked up NOW,” a parent will respond without delay and without asking for details. Others impress on their teens the importance of making sure Mom and Dad know (1) who the teen is with, (2) where he or she is, and (3) where he or she is going.
Other Scriptures to Read
Part Two - Engagement
Myth #1 - Engagement means the rules are now different
Now let’s move from dating to engagement. The next myth involved is that "engagement means we are just about married and now the rules are different for us." This is a trap many believers fall into in the engagement period. In the Bible in the New Testament an engagement meant the marriage was pretty much a done deal. The only thing you were waiting for was to have sex with each other. The groom would come to your house with his party and take you back to his place for a banquet. Then you would go to the bedroom. Sex completed the marriage arrangement. When we look at Mary and Joseph we see they were engaged. When Joseph wanted to break the engagement, he had to go through the legal process of filing for divorce.
With us today, to announce we are engaged may mean absolutely nothing. I’m sick and tired of people living in sin telling me they are engaged, but have no wedding date planned but its going to be a year or two. That’s not an engagement. They are simply using the word engaged as a license to become sexually involved with each other. It’s still sin.
An engagement is nothing more than an announcement to the world, that we have decided to cut off dating other people as we prepare to get married on such and such a date. Without the commitment and the date, you are not engaged. It does not matter whether you have a ring or not. Engagement does not give you permission as a Christian to become sexually active, only marriage does that. God allows you to walk away from anybody you are engaged to at any time for any reason. Therefore you do not belong to that person and that person does not belong to you. God never sets us apart in order to be somebody’s playmate as we practice on marriage.
An engagement is not to be used to see if you can play marriage. An engagement period is to the time to find out whether or not your bond with this person is strong enough to make a lifetime commitment to the person. It’s the time to make up our minds about whether or not we really want to deal with certain specific issues in a person’s life. It’s a time for you to see what this person’s family and traditions are like. They will affect your marriage.
You see, when you marry a person, you’re not only marrying the person you’ve created in your head as Mr. Or Mrs. Right for me, you are also marrying the mistakes this person has made in the past as well as the present. If the person has a bad credit history, you’re marrying it. You’re marrying the person’s family. Even if you think you’re not going to have a thing to do with his or her family, you’re wrong. That person’s family values and traditions are a part of the person’s life whether you know it or not. If that person is committed to his or her job, you’re marrying that commitment. If the person is lazy or hardworking, you’re marrying into that. Marrying does not change a person. A person wild before marriage, will be wild after marriage. A person mean before marriage will be mean after marriage. A person loving before marriage will probably be loving after marriage. You always have the right to break off an engagement when you see this is not for me.
Myth #2 - You Are The Knight in Shining Armor
It is a myth to get engaged with expectation of marriage thinking you are going to be someone’s night in shining armor coming to their rescue. This happens too often when you fall in love with someone who has all kinds of problem. You’re determined you’re going to help him or her get his or her lives in order and as a result he or she will love you all the more for it. It happens when someone from a higher economic bracket marries someone from a very low bracket. You think he or she should be extra grateful. It happens when someone marries someone who already has kids. There is a false notion, that the person will see this great sacrifice and added responsibility you’re making for them and he or she will love you all the more for it.
Now its okay if you choose to marry into these situations. Just remember, that was the cost for you to have this person. You do not have the right to later remind the person in an argument, "When I first met you, you had all kinds of problems, or you was living in a run down shack, or you had kids who fathers were not giving you any child support." To marry this person, you must be willing to give up the right to say this in the future, or you’re only asking for trouble. None of us are ever the knights in shining armor we think we are. Chances are that, person would have made it through life whether we came on the scene or not. We must all remember, we all bring some liabilities into the engagement relationship.
Myth #3 - Pregnancy inevitably indicates marriage is in order
Another myth which leads toward engagement is, "since I’ve gotten pregnant or gotten her pregnant, I should go ahead and marry the father or the mother." Now if both are you are Christians, and you’re still going to continue to see each other, you do need to get married to the person. You need to do it now, rather than later. Simply living together is not an option. But if one of you is a Christian and the other is not, then making another mistake is not going to help this situation. You need to get to your pastor for counseling.
Myth #4 - The size of the wedding is an indicator of the happiness of
the marriage
Another myth is that a large beautiful wedding is going to lead to a wonderful happy send off in marriage. The size of your wedding will have no correlation to the happiness and success of your marriage. Some of us could not even compete with the weddings of the rich and famous, and yet their marriages never see their third anniversary. Some of us had to buy the 10kt rings because that’s all the money we had and we served sandwiches instead of steak and chicken dinners, but we’ve been married ten, twenty, thirty and 40 years.
For Christians, the date you set for your wedding should not be based upon how much money you need to save for an elaborate wedding. It should not be based on how many more years of school you have left. It should not be based on having a secure financial future.
Biblical guidelines to setting the date
The Bible provides us with how to set the date. God assumes that the primary desire of a Christian couple is to be obedient in His eyes so that He can bless and prosper the relationship. Proverbs Prov 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Notice it says in all you ways acknowledge Him. How many of you realize it includes being engaged. Don’t be wise in your own eyes. In other words, don’t try to con God or this other person. Notice what God promises when we do things his way: health and nourishment.
How do you know when its time to marry.
When you are willing to make a commitment to the other person to stand by his or her side and work together to face whatever obstacles come your way. There will never be a perfect time to get married in which every obstacle can be removed. How do you know what the date should be. It is found in 1 Cor 7:9 " But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."
Your date should be based on how well you are controlling yourselves in keeping your relationship pure sexually in the eyes of God. It is ridiculous for you to plan to get married a year from now or two years from now, and know that you can barely control yourselves when you’re alone, or know that you intend to be in each other’s dorm room or apartment late at night throughout that one or two year period. If you are falling into this trap of being involved sexually with each other, but do not want to give up your dream wedding, it is better for you to get married in the pastor’s office or justice of the peace, and then have your large wedding party somewhere in the future.
If you’re not ready for marriage that’s okay, but the cost may be breaking off the relationship as part of picking up your cross in order to remain set apart for God’s use. Now if you’ve made a commitment not to be in sexually tempting situations, then you may hold on to the relationship as long as you want but know that it’s not going to be easy. There’s nothing in the Bible about having to know somebody for six weeks, six months, or six years before marrying. Isaac saw Rebekkah, they were married that night and stayed married over 40 years before he died.
Too many of us are setting aside the word of God and God’s blessings on our relationships merely because of convenience, personal pleasure, or wanting to impress others more than we want to please God. A ring on your finger does not do the same thing as a marriage license on your wall. That ring may have been used on several different fingers. You are a child of God and you need not settle for anything less than the best for your life. It’s important to let Jesus be the Lord of your dating and engagement period. Don’t let dating or being engaged cause you to miss out on the good things God has in store for your life.
God says look trust me on this. I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and to give you life. The enemy wants to get at you in any way He can. This is going to be the weak spot for some of us; Do not lean on your own understanding, and do not be wise in your own eyes. Therefore I leave you with this challenge from 1 Peter 1:13-16 “Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."
Challenge From God’s Word
1 Pet 1:13-16 Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."