Most
Asked Questions on Dating
by Pat Zukeran
Introduction
Because of a previous Probe radio
program titled "The Principles of Dating" and our Mind Games
conferences, many challenging questions about dating have been generated. In
this essay I will address some of the most common questions from listeners and
audiences across the country. The controversial nature of the questions demands
that we carefully study the Scriptures and provide biblically-based answers.
Who Does the Asking?
The first question about dating is,
"Is it wrong for a girl to ask a guy out?" Although there may not be
anything intrinsically wrong with a girl asking a guy out, this is not wise or
biblical on the woman's behalf. In many cultures all over the world, the man is
seen as the one who should take the first step. One may wonder if this is just
a cultural thing or if there is more to it than that.
In the paradigm presented in Scripture,
the man is the one who takes the initiative. In the Old Testament, God
describes Himself as the bridegroom and
Following this principle, 1 Corinthians
11:3 states, "Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is
Christ, and the head of the woman is man." In a marriage, the man is the
leader over the family. That does not mean the man is a superior being. It
means God has placed him in a position of leadership and assigned him the role
of head over his wife and family. Just as Christ took the initiative in His
relationship with His bride, the church, the man as the leader should take the
initiative in the marriage relationship. This does not mean the woman in a
marriage or dating relationship never initiates or leads in an area in which
she is gifted. She may lead in some areas, but the overall headship role
belongs to the man.
In the garden, Adam's role was to care
for, protect, provide for, and cherish Eve. He was created to be the initiator
and leader. When the roles were reversed, chaos resulted. Having been deceived
by the serpent, Eve took the initiative and offered the fruit to Adam, who
followed her into sin rather than protecting her and leading her.
As I said earlier, there may not be
anything intrinsically wrong with a girl asking a guy out. But if this is a
preview of the relationship, it has the potential of not developing into a
biblical marriage. Initiation by the
woman gets the whole relationship off on the wrong foot. What I mean is this:
When the girl constantly takes the initiative and leadership role and the guy
passively follows, we have a reversal of God's intended design. This could
eventually lead to one of the greatest problems in marriages today - men who
have withdrawn from their call as leaders of the home and are absorbed in their
careers or other interests. In the dating relationship, the biblical role of
the man is to be the initiator and leader in the relationship.
Who does the asking? If we're following
God's design, the best way to begin a relationship is for the man to be the
initiator. Gentlemen, to the phones!
(Pastor Pauley
interjects: For a balanced, scriptural view of the role of women in society
and the church, check
out the article “Women” or “Role of Women in
the Church”.)
Alone on a Friday Night
From our childhood years, we are
bombarded with images of romance. Often a single person can feel insecure about
his or her situation. Students sometimes sense that "without a date, you
don't rate." It can be difficult to spend Friday nights alone at home
while your friends are out on dates. Singles often ask, "How do I deal
with the feelings of loneliness as I wait upon the Lord?"
Here are some principles to follow.
First, we must find our security in the Lord and develop a fulfilling
relationship with Him. When we do that, instead of relying on others to fill
our emptiness we become a person filled with joy, love and peace which
overflows into our relationships. Instead of being a taker, someone who is
always trying to fill our emptiness by pulling it out of other people, we can
be a giver, sharing out of a full and overflowing heart that Jesus has filled.
Second, trust God fully at His Word.
This dispels worry. Psalm 84:11 says, "For the Lord God is a sun and
shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from
those whose walk is blameless." The Lord promises not to withhold
"any good thing" from those who follow Him. Choose to trust our good
God and you will find yourself free from anxiety.
Contrary to popular opinion, Scripture
views singleness as a wonderful period of life. A single man or woman is free
to grow in his or her character, serve the Lord, and build friendships in ways
married people cannot. In 1 Corinthians 7:8 Paul writes, "Now to the
unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I
am." He later states in verses 32-35, "I would like you to be free
from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs how he can
please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world
how he can please his wife, and his interests are divided."
From Paul's words, we see that
singleness can be a fruitful time in life. A single person has the opportunity
to experience a valuable lesson: God is our sufficiency. Second, because there
are fewer distractions, it is a valuable time to deepen one's walk with God.
Spiritual disciplines like intensive study of the Bible, meditation, witnessing
and prayer can be developed during this time. I am grateful for the years I was
able to travel freely and study under the best teachers of the Bible for
extended periods of time. Singleness gave me freedom to do these very
worthwhile things. Many singles report that the times they have alone with God
are life-changing.
Finally, a single man or woman is free
to serve the Lord in ways married people cannot. Being single allowed me the
time, freedom, and flexibility to stay out late at night and witness to
teenagers on the street, commit to short-term mission trips, work with the
youth and study at seminary. Being involved in ministry
allowed me to make many life-long and meaningful friendships. In the
church where I now serve as pastor, the singles are a tremendous asset to the over-all
ministry. They are involved in worship, youth ministry, Sunday School and other valuable outreaches. Our church would not
be as effective as it is without our singles. During this time in your life,
focus on developing your relationship with the Lord, serving Him with all your
heart and waiting on His perfect timing.
What's Wrong with a Little Kissing?
Not long ago I was addressing the topic
of sexual purity to a group of sixth graders. Only a few minutes into the talk,
many of the kids started vocally disagreeing with me, mocking my views. They
called me "old fashioned" and "out of touch." This kind of
reaction has become more prevalent among teens today. In our day, can we
realistically expect two people to remain pure until marriage?
The answer is yes! Hebrews 13:4 says,
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for
God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." God commands
us to a life of purity. And when He gives us a command, He enables us to obey.
The next logical question is, "How can a couple maintain their purity in
the dating relationship?"
First, we must heed two warnings. In the young adult
years, the sexual drive is one of the strongest impulses we experience. For
this reason, we must be careful. Sexual temptation has entrapped even the
greatest of saints. Second, be aware that the road to immorality begins with a
series of small compromises. Seemingly insignificant at first, these minor
missteps lead us further from God's path. The story of David and Bathsheba
serves as a good reminder of this. The quest for purity will be a battle. Just
as an athlete must diligently prepare before a competition, so we must be
prepared long before we begin dating. Proverbs 4:23-27 teaches us, "Above
all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away
perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes
look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for
your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or left;
keep your foot from evil."
The key to maintaining purity is to
protect your heart. The heart in this passage refers to the mind and whole
personality of the individual. It is the "wellspring of life" because
joy and fullness of life come from within, not from outward circumstances.
Before dating--and then, before each date--"pre-decide" to sacrifice
your fleshly desires, and pursue your godly desire to
remain sexually pure and devoted to the Lord.
To guard your heart means to protect it
from the danger of harmful influences. You do this first by heeding verse 24,
in "putting away perversity in your speech." Often in locker rooms,
cafeterias and clubs, we are surrounded by men and women whose conversation is
filled with sexual overtones. Christians should not enter into such
conversations, nor should we associate closely with a crowd that does.
Second, in verse 25, "Let your eyes
look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before
you." In other words, guard your heart by protecting your eyes from false
teaching and corrupting images. Be careful of the magazines you read and the
movies and television programs you watch. The eyes are the vehicle through
which false and tempting images enter your heart.
Third, look at verse 27: "Do not
swerve to the right or left; keep your foot from evil." Continually walk
in the path of righteousness, and do not compromise your convictions. In
dating, apply this by avoiding situations where the temptation to compromise is
possible. For example, plan some group dates and pre-plan your dates so you can
avoid compromising situations. Hold yourself and your friends accountable to
one another, to your parents, and to your discipleship leaders. In these ways,
you keep your feet from evil.
Remaining pure until marriage is not
easy, but it reaps tremendous rewards. There is a wonderful freedom that comes
from enjoying a marriage bed free from "ghosts," previous sexual
partners. Plus, the research shows that those who remain faithful until marriage
have greater trust
of one another, which leads to stronger and happier marriages. The hard work to
stay pure is worth it.
How Do I Say I Am Not Interested?
One of the most difficult situations to
face is found in the next question: "What if someone is interested in me
but I am not interested back?" In this awkward situation, the pursued will
often string the other person along until the pursuer gets frustrated and moves
on. During the whole process, the one pursued may unintentionally send mixed
signals, or come up with constant excuses to get out of a date. The situation
may often end up with one person hurt and angered resulting in a ruined
friendship.
If you think someone is interested in
you but you do not have similar feelings, honesty, integrity and love must be
your guides. It is at times like this that a Christian can really bring honor
to God through his or her sincere response.
Colossians 3:9 says, "Do not lie to
each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have
put on the new self, which is being renewed in
knowledge in the image of its Creator." Be honest with your brother or
sister in Christ by not stringing him or her along, or constantly making
excuses to get out of a date, or playing other kinds of games. Otherwise,
resentment may ruin the friendship altogether and God's name may be tarnished
by this type of conduct.
Romans 12s:9 says, "Love must be sincere. Hate what
is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.
Honor one another above yourselves." In the situation of "unrequited
like," God's love must compel us to speak and act with sincerity toward
the other person. Devotion and honor of the other person must be displayed by
speaking the truth in love even though it is very difficult. It feels good to
know others find us attractive and too often we like to keep that feeling alive
by stringing the other along.
Our love for our brother or sister in
Christ should compel us to put aside our own desires for the sake of our
brother or sister. With an attitude of love, sit down and be honest with the
other person. In the most gracious way, tell him you are honored by his
attention, but you are not interested in pursuing a relationship beyond
friendship. The pursuer may be hurt, and even angry at the moment. However, in
time he will appreciate your honesty and respect you for your integrity. In
this way God is honored by your righteous conduct.
This is a true story. In my teenage
years I knew a certain girl was interested in me, but I was not interested in
her. Although I found it flattering and enjoyed the feeling, I knew the right
thing to do was to speak the truth in love. However, out of fear, I avoided the
issue and tried to keep my distance from her. After months of frustration, she
eventually severed the friendship and even left our church. I felt tremendous
remorse for losing not only a friend, but also a sister in Christ. From then
on, I resolved to obey God's Word and be sincere, no matter how hard it was for
me.
Elisabeth Elliot writes, "Resist
the temptation to trifle with other people's feelings. It may be fun to 'play
fish' like a trout on a fly line, but it is cruel, it is dishonest, and it is
dangerous."{1} Let us honor one another by speaking the truth in love.
When Mom and Dad Disapprove
One of the toughest questions to answer
is: "What if my parents do not approve of the person I am dating?"
This situation is often emotional and tense, so it requires great wisdom,
patience and courage from both parties.
Paul writes in Ephesians 6:2-3,
"Honor your mother and father*which is the first commandment with a
promise*that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the
earth." To honor means to count as valuable. The advice of parents should
be treated as valuable, and it deserves to be listened to. Proverbs
Most parents love their children and
desire the best for them. Other than the Lord, they know you better than anyone
else. Therefore, if they do not approve of the person you are dating, a wise person would calmly sit down and listen to
the reasoning of his or her parents. Often parents have valuable insights to
offer and can keep you from following a destructive path. Becoming a good judge
of character is something gained only from life experience which is why
parents' perspectives are worth listening to.
Although parents love their children and
seek their best, they may not always be right. Their advice must be consistent
with the Word of God. If it is, the wise thing to do is heed their advice. Even
if your parents are not Christians, you will often find they have great insight
that is consistent with God's Word. The difficulty comes when your parent's
advice contradicts the Word of God. For example, many young women facing a crisis
pregnancy have been pressured by their parents to have an abortion. In these
situations, one must pray, fast and seek the counsel of godly men and women.
Ask for prayer support from your fellowship. Only after this should one discuss
the issue with his or her parents, remaining calm and respectful through the
discussion. Assure your parents that you have listened to them and understand
their concerns. Then, in a respectful way, present your reasons for disagreeing
from the Word of God. If you must disagree, let it be for righteous reasons and
let the Lord work on the hearts of your parents. 1 Peter 3:2 states, "For
the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their
prayer."
Parents, however, must be sure to give
wise advice consistent with Scripture. If you as a parent disapprove of your
son or daughter's date you must give clear, biblical reasons. Be sure you are
not reasoning from prejudice or negative stereotype. Seek the counsel of wise
men and women of God, and have them evaluate your reasons. After securing their
prayer support, discuss the situation with your son or daughter. Reassure them
of your love and that you desire only God's best for him or her. Although your
son or daughter may be upset at first, they will eventually see the wisdom in
your words.
Conclusion
The questions surrounding the practice
of dating abound. I hope you have found this essay beneficial in answering some
of the most common questions. Above all else, put Jesus at the center of your
relationship and you can be assured you stand on a firm foundation for dating.
© 1998
Probe Ministries International
Note
Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity (Grand Rapids:
Fleming Revell Company, 1984), 101.
About the Author
PatrickZ ukeran is an associate
speaker for Probe Ministries. He has a BA in Religion from
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minds of believers with a Christian worldview
and to equip the church to engage the world for
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