Counseling Conflict
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Resolve Conflict and Build a
Stronger Marriage!
Some conflict in marriage is
unavoidable. Knowing how to resolve it is what makes a marriage flourish! This
6-session study is designed to bring husbands and wives closer to each other
and closer to God. You will study in God’s Word, share in your challenges and
successes and build a marriage that will last.
You and your spouse will learn how to…
·
Understand
the value of transparency in resolving conflict
·
Practice
loving confrontation as a way to strengthen your marriage
·
Take
responsibility to forgive in order to replace conflict with peace
·
Learn to
exchange your natural responses for God’s supernatural ones
This series is designed to strengthen
marriages and develop supportive relationships with other couples. Whether
you’ve been married for years, or are newly married, this series will help you
and your spouse discover timeless principles from God’s Word that you can apply
to your marriage.
Each session in this study is
composed of the following categories: Warm-Up, Blueprints, Wrap-Up, and
HomeBuilders Project. A description of each of these categories follows:
Warm-Up (10 minutes)
The purpose of Warm-Up is to help people
unwind form a busy day. Typically the first point in Warm-Up is an exercise
that is meant to be fun while introducing the topic of the session. The ability
to share in fun is important in building relationships. Another component of
Warm-Up is the Project Report (except in Session One), which is designed to
provide accountability for the Homebuilder’s Project that is to be completed
between sessions.
Blueprints (40 minutes)
This is the heart of the study. In this part
of each session, people answer questions related to the topic of study and look
to God’s Word for understanding.
Wrap-Up (10 minutes)
This category serves to “bring home the
point” and wind down a session in an appropriate fashion.
HomeBuilders Project (60 minutes)
This project is the unique application step
in a HomeBuilders study. Before leaving a meeting, couples are encouraged to
“Make a Date” to do this project prior to the next meeting. Each HomeBuilders
Project contains three sections:
·
As a
Couple – a brief exercise designed to get the date started in a fun way.
·
Individually
– a section of questions for husbands and wives to answer separately.
·
Interact
as a Couple – an opportunity for couples to share their answers with each other
and to make application in their lives.
COUNSELOR’S NOTES
In addition to the above regular features, occasional activities are
labeled “For Extra Impact.” These are activities that generally provide a more
active or visual way to make
a particular
point. Be mindful that people have different learning styles. While most of
what is presented is verbal, a visual or active exercise now and then helps
engage more of the senses and appeals to people who learn best by seeing,
touching and doing.
You will notice as you
proceed through this study that the Bible is used frequently as the final
authority on issues of life and marriage. Although written thousands of years
ago, this Book still speaks clearly and powerfully about the conflicts and
struggles faced by men and women. The Bible is God’s Word – His blueprint for
building a God-honoring home and for dealing with the practical issues of
living.
We encourage you to
have a Bible with you each session. For this series we use the New
International Version as our primary reference. Another excellent translation
is the New American Standard Bible. However, feel free to bring your Bible,
regardless of the translation.
Conflict is
inevitable. The difference between any two couples is not whether there is
conflict, but what the partners do with it when it surfaces. This study has
been prepared for husbands and wives who wish to have their conflicts produce
greater communication and understanding within marriage.
You will be encouraged
to uncover, discuss, and resolve those conflicts alone as a couple. This study
surfaces issues that many couples have carefully suppressed or have purposely
ignored. Defusing these “time bombs” is difficult, but oh, so necessary;
therefore, don’t be surprised if it seems you are experiencing greater conflict
during this study than before you began. It is all part of learning the joy
that comes with communication and understanding.
We commend you for
investing in your marriage by rolling up your sleeves and digging into what is
so important to you and the generations that will follow you – resolving
conflict in marriage.
Setting At Ease
¨
Express
your interest in strengthening your own marriage and dealing positively with
conflict.
¨
Admit that
your marriage and method of managing conflict are not perfect.
¨
State that
the concepts in this study have been helpful in your marriage.
¨
Recognize
that one or both of the individuals in the couple may have been reluctant to
attend.
¨
Thank them
for their interest and willingness to participate.
¨
Hand out
the study sheets for Session One if you have not already done so. Don’t be
afraid of doing a little selling here- people need to know how they are going
to benefit personally. They also need to know where this course will take them,
especially if they are apprehensive about being a part of it.
Vive
la Difference!
Warm-up (10 minutes)
For each of the following categories, decide whether you
and your spouse are more similar or different. For each item, circle either S
(representing “similar”) or D (representing “different”).
Personality S D
Sense of humor S D
Musical tastes S D
Family background S D
Special interests S D
After completing this
exercise, compare results with your spouse, and then answer these questions:
·
Does the
fact that you may differ on one of these areas mean that one of you is better
than the other?
·
What are
some ways that differences between a husband and wife might strengthen a
marriage?
·
Discuss
the importance of recognizing differences in dealing with conflict.
1. Many factors can produce conflict in marriage. One of these is personality differences (for example, emotional vs. reserved). What are some ways that personality differences can cause strife in marriage?
2. Different values and philosophies is another area of potential disagreement. What are some issues that couples often have different views on? What might be some of the problems associated with the issues you’ve identified?
3. Additionally, men and women have basic differences.
4. Read Ephesians 4:26-27
5. What effect does unresolved conflict have on a relationship? How might this “give the devil a foothold”?
6. What do you remember learning from your parents about handling conflict – good or bad?
7. What are some common sources of conflict in marriage?
8. What effect can unresolved conflict have on your marriage?
Although conflict occurs, it is not God’s ideal. God desires that we experience peace and unity in marriage.
9. The Bible has much to say about peace. Each couple should look up one of the following Scriptures.
Read your passage and discuss what it says about peace. Then read your passage to the group and tell how it relates to living in peace.
10. Read John 14:27. How is what Jesus offers different from what the world gives?
11. According to the following verses, how can we experience the peace of God?
12. In achieving lasting peace in marriage, what advantage do Christians have over non-Christians?
In this session, we discussed understanding conflict and pursuing peace. Now it’s time to move into action - to practice pursuing peace! From the following list, select the situation that would most bother you. After you make your selection, discuss how to deal with the situation with your spouse. Share how you decided to deal with the conflict.
¨ You find yourself continually changing the thermostat because your spouse sets it “too hot” or “too cold”.
¨ You leave the house running late for an appointment and discover that the gas gauge of your car is on “empty.” (Oh, and your seat is in the wrong position, and all your radio-station settings have been changed.)
¨ The phone bill is higher than you think it should be. Someone is using it for more than agreed upon.
¨ You just received a bank statement indicating four $25 charges for overdrawing your checking account.
¨ Guests have been invited over for dinner without your knowledge.
As a Couple (10 minutes)
To start your date, talk together about an experience you had growing up with a bully or someone you just couldn’t seem to get along with. After relating your experiences, discuss these questions:
· As a child, what were you taught, and by whom, about how to deal with people you had trouble getting along with?
· If you have children or plan to, what have you taught them, or plan to teach them about how to deal with a bully?
Individually (20 minutes)
1. What is one thing you have learned from Session One that you want to apply?
2. When conflicts arise in your marriage, how do they generally affect you?
3. Thinking about how you and your spouse relate to each other, how would you rate your effectiveness in handling conflict? Circle the number on the following scale that you think most applies.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Ineffective Very effective
4. What effect – positive and negative – would you say conflict has had on your marriage?
5. What is one thing you appreciate about how your spouse handles conflict in your marriage?
6. If you could change one thing about how you handle conflict, what would it be?
7. What do you hope to gain from the rest of this study?
Interact as a Couple (30 minutes)
1. Talk together about your answers from the previous section. Note: Resolve ahead of time that you will not argue! And try to be open, kind, and understanding as you address sensitive areas.
2. Discuss one or two currently unresolved conflicts between you, and how you might be able to deal with them.
3. Read the verses from the Blueprints question 9 from this session. What is one aspect of peace that these verses mention that you would like to see more of in your marriage?
4. Take a minute to pray together that God can use this study to help strengthen your marriage.
Remember to take your calendar to the next session so you can Make a Date!
Project Report – Tell of one thing you learned from the last session’s HomeBuilders Project.
Filtered Conversations
Warm-up (10
minutes)
Take the various
filters your counselor hands you. Hold them up in front of your mouth. This
represents a communications filter. Turn to your spouse, and talk with each
other about the kind of day you’ve had today. However, as you talk, be sure you
hold up the filter between you. After you’ve experienced this, discuss the
following questions:
¨
How did
it feel to have the various communication filters between you as you talked?
¨
What
difference did the type of filter that was between you make in the way that you
communicated?
¨
What are
some not-so-visible filters that can affect the transparency between couples?
¨
Would it
make a difference if the filters were on the ears of the listener as opposed to
the mouth of the speaker?
Introduction
FOUR STEPS TOWARD TRANSPARENCY
Step One: Be open with God
Read Psalm 139:23-24
Step Two: Create an atmosphere of love,
commitment, and forgiveness in your home.
Read Colossians 3:12-14
Step Three: Affirm your spouse when he or
she practices transparency.
Read Proverbs 16:24
Step Four: Pray regularly with one another.
Colossians 4:2
*Case Study
Anne is having trouble with her mother-in-law. Anne tries to talk to her husband, Bill, about her problem. “Bill, I’m really struggling with the way your mother treats me. Whenever she visits, she tries to rearrange the kitchen. And she always has a better way to do whatever I’m doing.” Bill, interrupting, responds, “It’s not that big of a deal. You know how she can be.”
a. Proverbs 10:19
b. Proverbs 12:18
c. Proverbs 13:3
d. Proverbs 15:23
e. Proverbs 25:11
f. James 3:5
Wrap-up (10 minutes)
In closing, review the Four Steps Toward Transparency:
Step One: Be open with God.
Step Two: Create an atmosphere of love, commitment, and forgiveness in your home.
Step Three: Affirm your spouse when he or she practices transparency.
Step Four: Pray regularly with one another.
¨ Review Step One by discussing some practical ways that you can be open with God. What have you found to be helpful?
¨ To review Steps Two and Three, turn to your spouse and discuss ways you can create an atmosphere that promotes greater transparency between you; then talk about ways you can affirm each other, or talk about a time when your spouse was transparent with you that you really appreciated.
¨ Practice Step Four by making plans to pray together at least three times this next week. Pray with each other now that God would help you be transparent with your spouse.
As a Couple (10 minutes)
How well do you really know your spouse? Take the following quiz and find out!
Complete the following sentences:
My spouse’s favorite color is…
My spouse’s favorite TV show is…
My spouse’s favorite movie is…
My spouse’s favorite book is…
My spouse’s favorite flavor of ice cream is…
My spouse’s favorite store is…
My spouse’s favorite room in the house is…
My spouse’s favorite time of the day is…
My spouse’s favorite season of the year is…
My spouse’s favorite vacation spot is…
My spouse’s favorite radio station is…
After you answer these questions, share your answers. How did you do? Now answer this question: What can you do to help your spouse know you better?
Individually (20 minutes)
Communication takes place in varying degrees of openness. The following descriptions show where transparency fits in the communication continuum. All of these levels of communication are used to some extent in every marriage.
Level One: Cliché communication allows a person to remain safely isolated and alone. Cliché communication consists of greetings and comments that express no opinions, feelings, or real information.
Level Two: Fact communication consists only of the objective discussion of facts. Data analysis holds others at arm’s length.
Level Three: Opinion communication involves sharing ideas and opinions that open a person up.
Level Four: Emotional communication involves sharing feelings and emotions that lead to true communication. Emotional communication conveys a person’s hopes, fears, likes, dislikes, aspirations, disappointments, joys, sorrows, needs, dreams, failures, desires, stresses, sources of fulfillment, discouragement, and burdens.
Level Five: Transparent communication involves complete emotional and personal truthfulness. Transparency is sharing your heart.
Cliché No sharing
Opinion Sharing what you think
Emotional Sharing what you feel
Transparent Sharing who you are
Set
aside conversation time.
Cliché No
sharing
Fact Sharing
what you know
Opinion Sharing
what you think
Emotional Sharing
what you feel
Transparent Sharing
who you are
Interact as a Couple (30 minutes)
Remember to take your calendar to the next session so you can “Make a
Date!”
Session Three: Listening
Project
Report – Tell of one thing you learned from the last session’s HomeBuilders
Project.
Back-to-Back
To start, write a list of eight things (in the left column) you would like your spouse to pick up for you at the store. Forget the diet; this is your wish list. Be specific. For example, instead of writing “milk,” you might write “a half gallon of 2 percent milk.”
1.
1.
2.
2.
3.
3.
4.
4.
5.
5.
6.
6.
7.
7.
8.
8.
Then, stand back-to-back with your spouse, and read aloud the list that you wrote. Read your list only once. After each of you has shared your list, sit down and, with no help from your spouse, write down the eight things you’re supposed to get from the store. You can write these next to your list. After you’ve both finished your lists, compare them and see how you did.
Now, write a new list of eight grocery items (these items should be different from the items on your list). Get with your spouse again, but this time stand facing each other and go through your lists. You can ask questions or have your spouse repeat an item if necessary. Then, on your own, write the things from the new list that you are supposed to get at the store.
1.
1.
2.
2.
3.
3.
4.
4.
5.
5.
6.
6.
7.
7.
8.
8.
After you’ve finished, discuss the following:
¨ In comparison to the first time that you tried to remember what was on your spouse’s list, how did you do the second time around?
¨ What made the difference?
¨ What is the difference between “hearing” and “listening”?
Case Study: Poor Listening Habits Fuel Conflict
Narrator: It has been a long, trying Monday for both Brian and his wife Linda. Fall is Brian’s favorite time of year because of his love for professional football. Monday night is his favorite night of the week. Linda enjoys an occasional game as well and has joined him in the family room. The end of the day and the smell of hot popcorn promise an evening at home together – or do they?
Linda: I wonder why our new neighbors always leave their garage door open. Wouldn’t you think they would be afraid of someone stealing their things?
Brian: I don’t know.
Linda: I think we need to have them over sometime. I wonder if they know anyone around here. Maybe next weekend we could invite them and some of our friends over for a barbecue.
Brian: Uh huh.
Linda: I can tell you are really concerned about these people, Brian.
Brian: Hmmmm.
Linda: Your mom called yesterday, honey. She says that all your dad wants for his birthday this year is another TV set – for the bathroom. Can you imagine, a TV set in the bathroom?
Brian: What kind does he want?
Linda: Are you just like your dad? If you had a TV in the bathroom you’d never come out – and you’re in there too long as it is.
Brian: Would you mind getting some salt for the popcorn?
Linda: (a little heated) You get your own salt!
Brian: Now wait a minute! You know I don’t want to miss any of this game. Now get the salt!
Linda: (sarcastically) I think it would be all right for you to miss just a little of the game. You certainly have missed a lot of this conversation.
Brian: (with strong emotion) Look, I’m not in this room to be talking. Do I have to take this TV set into the bathroom to watch this game? Maybe I will go in there – at least I won’t be interrupted!
Linda: (sarcastically) Fine! Shall I slip the salt under the door, or do you want to come out during the commercial?
1. What poor listening habits are Brian and Linda exhibiting?
2. How do poor listening habits create conflicts?
3. Put yourself in Brian and Linda’s place:
· If you were Brian, how could you better listen to your wife and still enjoy the game?
· If you were Linda, what could you have done to get your husband to listen better?
4. Read Proverbs 15:1. What guidance does this verse provide for Brian and Linda? For you?
Listening Helps Defuse Conflict
5. Read James 1:19. What do you think would happen in a marriage relationship if the husband and wife consistently applied these words?
6. How can taking the time to stop and listen help you avoid conflict? Talk of a recent time when you experienced this.
7. How can you tell when your spouse really listens to you? In what ways does it strengthen your relationship?
Becoming a Good Listener
8. Part of becoming a good listener involves maintaining a teachable heart. Read the following passages:
· Prov. 1:5
· Luke 11:28
How can listening to God help you become a better listener with your spouse?
9. Another key element of becoming a good listener is giving your spouse your focused attention. This involves several elements:
· Picking the proper time and place.
· Making sure that no distractions exist.
· Maintaining eye contact.
· Allowing enough time to work through the conflict.
10. What have you found to be good times and places for talking about important issues and working through conflicts with your spouse?
11. What have you found to be inappropriate places and times for this type of discussion?
12. Good listening requires more than focusing on what the person is saying. Your goal should be to truly understand what your spouse thinks, wants, and feels. What important things have you learned to do to help ensure that you understand what your spouse is saying?
13. If appropriate, share an experience of when God gave you greater understanding about a conflict because one of you took the time to listen to the other.
“Each one speaks primarily in order to set forth his own ideas. Exceedingly few exchanges of viewpoints manifest a real desire to understand the other person.”
–Dr. Paul Tournier
Look again at the dialogue between Brian and Linda that was presented earlier in this session. Rewrite their exchange based on the components of good listening that you have been discussing. Then present your version of the “new” Brian and Linda. Answer the following questions:
· What changed in how Brian and Linda communicated in the new scenarios?
· How easy is it for you to do the things you know you should do when you communicate with and listen to your spouse? Explain.
As a Couple
(10 minutes)
Start
your date by taking some time to listen to each other. You may want to get away
to a quiet place or take a short walk. Taking turns, let one spouse talk
without interruption for up to 5 minutes, and then switch. After hearing what
the other person says, summarize what you understood him or her to be saying.
Individually
(20 minutes)
Take
some time to evaluate yourself as a listener. For questions 1 through 7, circle
the response that is most true of you.
1. As your spouse talks to you,
do you find it difficult to keep your mind from wandering to other things?
Yes No Sometimes
2. When your spouse talks, do
you go beyond the facts being discussed and try to sense how he or she feels
about the matter?
Yes No Sometimes
3. Do certain things or phrases
your spouse says prejudice you so that you cannot objectively listen to what is
being said?
Yes No Sometimes
4. When you are puzzled or
annoyed by what your spouse says, do you try to get the questions straightened
out as soon as possible?
Yes No Sometimes
5. If you believe it would take
too much time and effort to understand something, do you go out of your way to
avoid hearing about it?
Yes No Sometimes
6. When your spouse talks to
you, do you try to make him or her think you are paying attention when you are
not?
Yes No Sometimes
7. When you listen to your
spouse, are you easily distracted by outside sights and sounds (such as the TV
set, someone walking by, or music)?
Yes No Sometimes
8. What are some practical
steps you can take to become a better listener?
Interact as a
Couple (30 minutes)
1. Take a few minutes to discuss
with each other how you evaluated yourself as a listener.
2. Talk together about what you
believe your strengths and weaknesses in listening are.
3. Select an area of current
conflict between you (perhaps an issue related to children, finances, a
purchase, in-laws, schedules, or an upcoming social event). Each of you can
take up to 5 minutes to give your point of view on the issue while the other
person listens without making a comment. After you hear from each other,
explain to each other what you heard by using one or more of the following
phrases:
·
“What I understand you to say is…”
·
“Do I understand you to mean…”
·
“You may not have meant this, but what I heard you say is…”
Allow the other person to
clear up any misunderstood communication. Don’t necessarily seek to resolve the
conflict, but simply allow for each other to speak to a listening ear.
To conclude this exercise,
answer this question:
·
How has this exercise in listening been helpful to you?
4. Close your time in prayer,
and ask God to help you as you work to become better listeners.
Remember to
take your calendar to the next session so you can Make a Date!
Tell of one thing you learned from last session’s HomeBuilders project.
· You are at the store and notice someone shoplifting.
· You observe a coworker repeatedly take home office supplies.
· Your in-laws keep dropping by unexpectedly.
· You find out at a parent-teacher conference that your child has not been turning in homework assignments.
· Your spouse has promised to be home at a certain time, but arrives 30 minutes late.
How is confrontation in marriage different from confrontation with a stranger, family, or at work?
Conflict can draw two people together by producing greater understanding, or it can drive a wedge of resentment and fear between them. Most of us do not deal well with conflict because we do not know how to effectively face it.
People typically face conflict using one of the following patterns:
Fight to Win/Dominate: The “I win you lose because I’m right you’re wrong” position. This pattern usually reflects domination; the relationship is valued less than triumph.
Withdraw/Forfeit: The “I’m uncomfortable so I’ll pull away” position. In this pattern the relationship takes on less value than avoiding the discomfort of conflict.
Yield/Quick Tap: The “rather than start another argument what ever you wish is fine” position. It is far better to be nice, to go along with the other person’s demands, than to risk a confrontation. A safe feeling is more important than confronting the other person.
Loving Confrontation: The “I care enough about our relationship to deal with this issue as it really is” position. This approach offers the greatest possibility of satisfactory resolution with the least amount of threat and stress. You value the relationship more than winning or losing, escaping, or feeling comfortable.
1. What is your usual pattern of handling conflict in these environments:
· At work?
· With friends?
· With family?
· With your spouse?
2. How has your pattern of dealing with conflict changed over time? What factors would you say most influence your approach to handling conflict?
3. How do you think your pattern affects your spouse?
The Bible is filled with stories of real people – people in conflict. Look at the following Bible passages, and determine which style of dealing with conflict they describe.
4. In Genesis 3, after Adam and Eve had eaten the forbidden fruit, God was in the garden looking for them.
· According to Genesis 3:8-10 how did Adam and Eve respond to this conflict with God? Which of the patterns did Adam employ?
· In what ways do couples often respond to each other like Adam and Eve did to God?
5. Read Mark 15:9-15. In this situation Pilate had a decision to make.
· What did Pilate do to resolve the conflict he had with the crowd?
· What problems does this approach create in a marriage?
6. Read 1 Samuel 20:33. King Saul has discovered that his son, Jonathan, was befriending young David, the object of the king’s intense jealousy.
· What was Saul’s apparent pattern for handling conflict?
· What is the danger in marriage with this kind of response?
7. Read Luke 10:38-42.
· How did Jesus deal with conflict in this situation?
· What does it take to react to conflict like Jesus did here?
The words “loving” and “confrontation” don’t appear to be complementary. One word is friendly, and the other word makes you want to fight back. However, the combination of these two words – “loving confrontation” – provides an important approach to resolving conflict. Loving confrontation is the balanced use of truth and love.
Step One: Look inward.
Read Galatians 6:1-2 and Matthew 7:3-5
8. Why is looking inward before confrontation important? Why is your attitude important in confrontation?
Step Two: Pick the right time and place.
Read Proverbs 25:11
9. Proverbs 25:11 talks about “a word spoken in right circumstances” (NAS). What might be some right circumstances for loving confrontation in your marriage?
10. What are typically appropriate and inappropriate times or settings for your spouse to bring up a difficult but necessary issue with you?
Step Three: Speak the truth in love.
Read Ephesians
11. What do you think it means to speak “the truth in love”? What happens when truth is spoken without love, or when there is love without truth?
12. Which is easier for you – to speak the truth without love, or to love without speaking the truth? Why?
As a Couple (10 Minutes)
Discuss with your spouse what you most likely would do in each of the following situations. Remember, be kind – and have fun with this!
· You receive a notice that your auto insurance rates are going up because of a recent speeding ticket. Your spouse had neglected to tell you about getting a ticket.
· You are lost, but your spouse refuses to stop and ask for directions.
· You notice that your spouse is using your favorite T-shirt to clean the bathroom.
· Your spouse was going to stop at the cleaners to pick up the outfit you plan to wear to an important meeting the next day. Your spouse arrives home having forgotten to go by the cleaners, and now the cleaners is closed.
Now, go back through as many of the scenarios as you have time to, and in place of what your likely response would be, talk about what “loving confrontation” might look like in each situation.
Individually (20 Minutes)
1. What is one way this session challenged you in the way to approach confrontation?
2. Think of a recent misunderstanding between you and your spouse. Think about how you responded. Which pattern most reflects how you responded? (dominate, forfeit, quick tap, loving confrontation) Now, think about how your spouse reacted. What pattern do you believe reflects how your spouse reacted?
Answer these questions:
· What could you do differently next time?
· What would you prefer your spouse do differently next time?
3. Loving confrontation turns accusatory when you approach it without the proper focus. Check the areas that you tend to have out of focus when you confront your spouse:
· Raising may issues at once instead of just one issue at a time.
· Focusing on the person rather than the problem.
· Bringing up the past instead of sticking to the present.
· Using generalizations rather than specifics.
· Using “you” statements rather than “I” statements.
· Judging motives rather than observing facts.
· Judging actions rather than expressing feelings.
· Concentrating on who is winning or losing rather than striving for mutual understanding.
4. What can you do to keep confrontation with your spouse in focus?
Interact as a Couple (30 Minutes)
1. Go through your answers to the questions from the individual time.
2. Reach a consensus on some ground rules you would like to use in dealing with confrontation in your marriage.
3. Ask the Lord for his wisdom and help in dealing with conflict in your marriage.
4.
Remember to take your calendar to the next session so you can Make A Date!
For peace to replace conflict, husband and wife must take responsibility to forgive each other.
Warm-Up (15 minutes)
“To Err Is Human, to
Forgive Divine”
Choose one or two of the following questions to answer:
The Importance of
Forgiveness
1. What would you say it means to forgive another person?
2. Think about a time you received forgiveness from another person for something you did. How did you feel before and after you received forgiveness?
3. The most profound example of forgiveness is God’s forgiveness of us. Take one of the following verses. Read your verse and discuss what it says about God’s forgiveness. Then talk about your verse and insights.
· John 3:16
· Romans 8:1
· 2 Corinthians 5:19
· Ephesians 1:7
· Colossians 2:13
· Hebrews 10:14
4. Why is the kind of forgiveness described in the previous verses so essential in a marriage relationship?
5. Read Matthew 6:14-15 and Matthew 18:21-22. What is profound about what Jesus says about forgiveness?
To maintain a healthy marriage relationship,
you must forgive your spouse as God as forgiven you.
6. Read Luke 15:11-24. What steps did the prodigal son take to seek forgiveness from his father?
7. Why is each of these steps important in the process of receiving forgiveness?
8. Generally speaking, do you find it easier to ask your spouse for forgiveness or to extend forgiveness to your spouse? Explain.
9. Why is it often so difficult to request forgiveness or grant forgiveness in marriage?
Forgiving your spouse sets you free to
experience love and oneness in your marriage.
Granting Forgiveness
Step One: Give up the right of punishment.
Read Ephesians 4:17, 22-24,31-32
10. What does this passage tell us to do with our feelings?
Step Two: Yield yourself to the control of the Holy Spirit.
Read Romans 8:5-6; 12-14
11. How does living under the control of the Holy Spirit empower you to forgive your spouse?
Step Three: Choose not to dwell on the past.
Read Isaiah 43:18-19
12. How can this passage be applied to forgiveness in marriage?
The power to forgive comes from God’s Spirit
as you give him control of your life.
As a Couple (10 Minutes)
Before getting into the serious
topic of asking for and granting forgiveness, take a few minutes to focus on
the lighter side of this issue – the fun of making up! Discuss these questions:
·
What is
something you recall your spouse doing that was his or her attempt to “make
up”?
·
What are some
creative ideas for ways that you can make up with your spouse?
Individually (20 Minutes)
1.
Look back over
this session. What was the key insight you gained?
2.
Read Ephesians
4:32. How can you apply “forgiving…just as in Christ God forgave you” when…
·
You think about
things your spouse has done to you in the past?
·
You want to
remind your spouse of a way he or she has hurt you in the past?
3.
Complete the
following statements:
·
My greatest
difficulty in offering my spouse forgiveness is…
·
The one thing
that would make it easier for me to ask for my spouse’s forgiveness is…
4.
What is an
instance in which you received forgiveness from your spouse and healing
occurred in your relationship as a result?
5.
Have you
accepted God’s offer of forgiveness to you through his Son, Jesus?
6.
What, if
anything, is something for which you need to ask your spouse’s forgiveness?
7.
Pray, thanking
God for his forgiveness and asking him to help you live according to the
Spirit. Pray that you would be gracious toward your spouse in both extending
and receiving forgiveness.
Interact as a Couple (30 Minutes)
1.
Discuss your
answers to questions 1 through 5 in the previous section.
2.
Discuss what
you can do to make it easier for each other to admit wrong and seek
forgiveness.
3.
Now it’s time
to practice what you’ve been learning. Discuss your response to question 6 in
the previous section.
4.
Pray together.
Thank God for his unending grace and the Holy Spirit who enables you to forgive
each other “as in Christ God forgave you.”
Remember to take your calendar to the next session so you can Make A Date!
Session Six: A Blessing For an Insult
People naturally tend to respond to hurts with anger. God promises to help us exchange these natural reactions for supernatural responses.
Warm-up
Insults and Blessings
Think about the past week. What are some insults you heard others speak? Share one example.
Now think of an uplifting, positive word – a word of blessing. Using this word, write a sentence that affirms your spouse, then share with them what you wrote. After each of you has shared, discuss these questions:
· Which was easier to think of – an insult or a blessing? Why?
· How did it feel to receive a word of blessing?
Blueprints
Insult for Insult
1. Read 1 Peter 3:8-9. What does “repay evil with evil or insult with insult” mean? What does it look like in a marriage relationship?
2. Read 1 Peter 2:23. Describe how Christ responded to insult? To what extent do you think we are to follow Christ’s example? Explain.
3. When have you seen an insult-for-insult type of response in marriage?
4. What situations or circumstances tend to provoke this type of response?
Since hurt and disappointment are inevitable in marriage, we need to decide how we want to respond. We have a choice – we can return an insult with another insult, or we can give a blessing instead.
Blessing For Insult
5. Read 1 Peter 3:8-9 again. What does it mean to repay or give a blessing? What example comes to mind?
6. Read Luke 6:27-28 and Romans 12:14-21. What additional insights do you gain from these verses about giving a blessing from these challenging passages?
7. Why is giving a blessing after an insult often so difficult?
8. What are some practical ways you can give a blessing?
Returning a blessing for an insult helps defeat the cycle of selfishness that can corrode a marriage relationship.
Relationship Comparison
Insult-for-Insult Relationship Blessing-for-Blessing
Relationship
1. Perspective: 1. Perspective:
2. Basis: 2. Basis:
3. Results: 3. Results:
4. Visible: 4. Visible:
5. Attitude: 5. Attitude:
A Blessing Relationship
Read 1 Peter 3:10-11. This passage outlines three simple steps for establishing a blessing relationship:
Step One: Keep your tongue from evil.
9. Why is control of one’s tongue so important to the establishment of a blessing relationship?
Step Two: Turn from evil and do good.
10. How do you “turn from evil”? What effect does this response have on conflict?
Step Three: Seek peace and pursue it.
11. The words “seek” and “pursue” are actions. What types of things should you seek and pursue in marriage to bring about peace and blessing?
12. Read Philippians 2:3-8. Giving a blessing adopting an attitude of regarding another person as more important than you are. What are some examples of how you could give a blessing by doing what your spouse wants instead of what you want?
Overview of the Sessions:
Resolving conflict
Session One: Recognizing Conflict
Understanding Conflict
The Impact of Conflict
Pursuing Peace
Session Two: Transparency
The Need for Transparency
Four Steps Toward Transparency
Stifling Transparency
Session Three: Listening
The Consequences of Poor Listening
Listening to Help Defuse Conflicts
Becoming a Good Listener
Session Four: Confronting
Dealing With Conflict
Examples of Conflict From the Bible
Steps Toward Loving Confrontation
Session Five: Forgiving
The Importance of Forgiveness
Asking for Forgiveness
Granting Forgiveness
Reconciliation
Session Six: A Blessing for an Insult
Insult for Insult
Blessing for Insult
A Blessing Relationship