Bullying

For lots of kids, it’s exciting to go back to school each fall. What parents often overlook is the fact that it also can be a time of anxiety for their children. They have a new teacher, new classroom and are confronting old anxieties, like bullies. But there are ways parents can influence their child and his or her school to avoid bullies.

A good place to start is to assess your own thoughts on the issue of bullying. Do you think bullying is a problem that has been around forever and always will be? Do you believe that victims of bullies bring it on themselves and that they make people want to bully them? Do you think that being bullied prepares your child for the real world? Do you feel that ignoring a bully is the best way your child can make the bullying stop?

Bullying is physical and it can also be verbal. It can be done silently and through gestures or body language. Bullying is done for social power; but bullying is an abuse of power, an act of superiority and especially, it is dehumanizing.

It is true that bullying has been around forever; it is inherent to the human sinful condition. Hurtful behavior exists because it is condoned, reinforced and promoted. Stop and think for a moment about your own life. Do you see examples of coworkers and other peers in your life engaging in bullying behaviors, even in their adult lives?

Victims of bullying do not cause the bullying. The victims of bullies are often people with low self-esteem, who doubt their worth and personal power. Nobody wants to be hurt, least of all children who can’t and don’t know how to defend themselves. Everybody has the right to protection from oppression, and as adults, we have to protect this right for all children.

Being bullied, or being the bully, does not prepare your child for success in the real world. In fact, the opposite is true. Those adults identified as bullies by age 8 are four times more likely to be convicted of a felony than those not identified as a bully. Children who are victims of bullying are more likely to skip school. They tend to revert toward isolating behaviors and may enter a cycle of despair.

Ignoring a bully will not eliminate the bullying behavior. Bullies generally don’t stop when ignored, but instead continue to hurt others. In fact, ignoring them can often exacerbate the problem, as the bully takes offense at being ignored and goes out of his way to “get your attention respect.” Never ignore a bully.

So how do we teach our children to avoid bullying, whether as an aggressor, victim or bystander? We can teach our children two core values: that everyone has the responsibility to help and no one has the right to hurt, physically or verbally, and that our family believes in the oneness of humankind and will embrace all people as social equals, valuing their diversity.

The next step is for parents to encourage leaders in our schools to provide a positive group culture throughout the district. Ask school decision makers to provide training programs that will teach school staff how to create a safe school environment. Then, insist that the school develop anti-bullying initiatives by providing both physical and emotional security and emphasizing the right of all children to be safe.

Fighting causes serious disruptions to the educational process. Any fight, even a relatively minor scuffle, will attract a swarm of students who find the boxing-wrestling match entertaining. The school should have an absolute “no tolerance” policy for any kind of fighting.

At the beginning of the school year, for instance, the administration could announce to a school-wide assembly that neither fighting nor bullying would be tolerated. If a student is being bullied, he or she should report the matter to a counselor, who then calls the bully’s parents and requests (or orders, if necessary) them to meet with the principal and counselor at school. They should discuss the accusation and be asked to make sure their child’s unacceptable behavior is stopped. Usually the parents will solve the problem.

The principal should also meet with the student who is being bullied, along with his or her parents, and assure them the school will do everything in its power to see that the harassment stops. On rare occasions the problem may only end when the police become involved.

If you do hit someone, even if you’re fighting back, some schools will call the police and both students are given a citation, which starts at $75 and goes up to over $400 for repeat offenders. After receiving a citation, they have to appear in court and will be sent to anger management.

So step one should be reporting the matter to the principal or counselor. This is the first line of defense and almost certainly the problem will be resolved. Only if authorities fail to take effective action and the bullying persists should you fight back – and then be willing to face the consequences. Any punishment meted out to the person who does so will be minor in comparison to the torment of being bullied. You don’t have to teach your children how to throw a quick punch, but you can teach them to look the bully in the eye and show they’re unafraid.