We all want our kids to be the best that they can be. But finding the balance between Major Dad and June Cleaver isn't easy. Since the Army is known for converting undisciplined individuals into disciplined soldiers, let’s borrow some of their expertise.
1. Lead by example.
We need to try to develop character in our kids, but we can't develop character in others if we are not persons of character ourselves. I can't expect honesty and selflessness from others if I am dishonest, lazy, and self-centered. There is a structure in the ROTC called the “Seven Army Values” that the Army uses to help shape character. It's an acronym that spells LEADERSHIP:
Loyalty
Duty
Respect
Selfless-Service
Honor
Integrity
Personal Courage
For an officer in the military, his position alone can make him seem right, even when if he is wrong. That's why character is needed for the officer to step back and admit when he is wrong. At home, I need to apologize to my kids when I mess up and admit that I didn't handle things well.
A parent needs to live what he or she is teaching. We can't develop in a child what we don't first possess. This is an incentive for getting deeply involved in spiritual growth, for your own sake as well as your child's. Character is the main focal point of parenting. Character is defined as the set of abilities needed to meet the demands of life. It includes the ability to connect emotionally, take responsibility, and live in reality.
2. Expect discipline and obedience to be the norm.
In the military, soldiers take an oath that says the President has reposed, special trust and confidence in them. Yet, society holds them to an even different standard. Society doesn't want those who have access to weapons and privileged knowledge to not have discipline and obedience as the organizational norm. With my family, I shouldn’t command military discipline, but should expect self-discipline to do the right thing, even when no one is looking. I need to ask my children to be obedient to the Lord by following biblical mandates, such as honoring your mother and father.
Hebrews
3. Clearly communicate expectations, boundaries, and consequences.
Marines are presented with Military Professionalism and Appearance Codes that dictate punctuality, proper uniform requirements and preparation, preparedness and responsible behavior toward duty. If a Marine looks slovenly, is late, is not dependable, is not a good team player or is a trailer that is constantly having to be pulled around, then he is not the type of leader the military is trying to produce.
Children, however, are not furnished with written expectations. They depend on daily nurturing and consistent direction. Boundaries and consequences need to be clear. If they cross those boundaries accidentally or in childish irresponsibility, pull them back in. But if the crossing was through willful disobedience, then there should be consequences. If a mistake becomes a pattern, it's no longer simply a mistake.
These
concepts are critical for building character in children. They form a structure
of required behavior and attitude for the child. Children are not born with the
fruit of self-control (Gal.
4. It's not about fairness.
With soldiers, fairness isn't much of an issue because they have codified standards. If a soldier meets the standard, he is rewarded. If he fails, he can't lead. But in the confines of our homes, we must learn to agree with the words, "That's not fair." Each child in the family must abide by the same underlying principles, but each child is also unique and requires personalized treatment.
We should tell children, "We are aiming for a goal in your personal development that you will reach at your own pace. I will mentor and guide you through it. There will be times when I push you and times when I pull you, but I am trying my best to get you to where I think you need to go. That doesn't always mean you are treated the same as someone else in the family."
When a child demands a "just universe," that child is in trouble. Parents need to help kids with the reality that bad things happen to good people and vice versa, so that they can adapt to the way things really are. Processes such as forgiveness and grief are central in learning this (Eccles. 7:2-4).
5. Let them be all they can be.
We know that God has given each person certain gifts and abilities and we want them to exercise those gifts. There are people who have obvious abilities who are clearly not using them, yet there are others who live each day to their utmost potential. It takes character to keep trying to reach your potential each day. Character is a choice. We can choose to be selfless or self-centered, to exercise integrity or go the easy way, to have the moral courage to stand-up when things are wrong or not to intervene. Character can overcome many problems, or it can keep you from exercising your full potential.
Children need to be taught to live their lives not just in the present, but also in anticipation of the future. They need to see that God has plans for them (Jer. 29:11), and that His plans require them to develop the character necessary to build the skills for the tasks of life. The best way to help a child develop the potential for tomorrow, however, is to challenge the child today.